Mitch Hedberg quotes

Mitch Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his unique delivery and surreal one-liners. His performances often featured clever wordplay and a laid-back persona. He became a cult favorite and is remembered for his influence on modern comedy. Here are 198 of his quotes:

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Mitch Hedberg

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Mitch Hedberg

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

Mitch Hedberg

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

Mitch Hedberg

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Mitch Hedberg

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Mitch Hedberg

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Mitch Hedberg

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Mitch Hedberg

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

Mitch Hedberg

I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a. m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3a. m. and your a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, hey I was here at 3a. m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology.

Mitch Hedberg

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

Mitch Hedberg

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.

Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Mitch Hedberg

This is what my friend said to me; he said "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like, "Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there."

Mitch Hedberg

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...oh, wait it's at home...in the file...under 'D', for doughnut."

Mitch Hedberg

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

Mitch Hedberg

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.

Mitch Hedberg

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it...and he's always on time.

Mitch Hedberg

I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it so I'd buy a baby naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

Mitch Hedberg