Mitch Hedberg quotes - page 8

Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came up. He said, 'Dude, I saw you on TV last night.' But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then I turned it back. I said, 'Dude, I saw you at the airport about a minute ago. And you were good.' (Mitch Hedberg)
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches All-encompassingly... View quote
Mitch Hedberg
Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said Where do you see yourself in five years and i said Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I snake bite emergency kit is a body bag. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got... This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick somethin' up.' View quote
Mitch Hedberg
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right. (Mitch Hedberg)
I like to close my eyes on the stage, because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'...potato chips came out, man, because they had an "HH" button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God-god dammit-dammit. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
(talking about his drink) Look at all the limes in this goddamn thing! This fuckin' thing is tropical! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say "What the fuck?" and I will pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause the customer is always right. (reacting to meager applause) All right, all right. That joke's better than you acted. Perhaps it's not. Maybe it's dumb. It could be. I hear you, man. I'm not a fuckin', genius, for Christ's sake, you know? I'm just tryin' to tell some jokes. Shit, who the fuck are you? That track is number 14. It's called "Attitude." View quote
Mitch Hedberg
If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. "Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!" View quote
Mitch Hedberg
Lull is one letter away from being four L's in a... Aw fuck. I thought I had a concept there, but then I realized, no, you do not. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
This 'Improv' sign is all over, all the improvs have it, and in Tempe, Arizona, the sign is made out of gold. I swear to God. And the dude wasn't gonna pay me, so I stole the 'M', 'cause the 'M' seems like it weighs the most. Followed by the 'R'. Then the 'P'. The 'P' was one little thing away from being as heavy as the 'R'. So I had a gold 'M', and I asked the guy if he'd like to buy a Gold 'M'. He said "No, what the fuck do I want a gold 'M' for?" "Well how 'bout a gold 'W'?" {pause for laughter} I had a bad set here last night, and they added an 'E' to the end of the sign. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
If I was the headless horseman's horse, I would fuck with that dude. "Yeah, we're going that way. We're not headed towards the hay." Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse, that would be fucking chaos. "We need a head!" Oh, I got a new headless horseman joke. I'd hate to be the headless horseman's dentist. You wouldn't make very much money. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
You know when you go into a bar and you want to wash your hands, so you go to the bathroom, and they don't have any hot water? You turn on the C knob, cold water comes out, you turn on the H knob, cold water comes out! It's like, fuck, you cheap bar! But I can accept that, but I just want to know what H stands for now! C obviously stands for "cold." H must stand for, "Ha Ha Dude! You thought this shit was hot, but it is not! Now go spread some germs!" View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I did a movie with Peter Frampton. He's a musical genius, but I don't listen to his stuff. So I had to continuously try to draw attention away from the fact. "Hey Peter Frampton! Do you like toast too!? Yes, as do I, it is warm and crispy... and the perfect place for jelly to lay. Now stay the fuck away from me Frampton, I ain't got shit to say to you!" (Mitch Hedberg)
(to audience) I like the way this is situated here. It seems like you guys were chasing me, closing in, and then said "fuck it...let's sit down". View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I got a wallet, it's a Trifold... that shit is stacked! It's orange in color, in case I want to buy a deer. View quote
Mitch Hedberg