Mitch Hedberg quotes - page 5

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! (Mitch Hedberg)

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

Mitch Hedberg

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Mitch Hedberg

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Mitch Hedberg

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Mitch Hedberg

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Mitch Hedberg

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Mitch Hedberg

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. (Mitch Hedberg)

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Mitch Hedberg

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Mitch Hedberg

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

Mitch Hedberg

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

Mitch Hedberg

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

Mitch Hedberg

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Mitch Hedberg

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Mitch Hedberg

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

Mitch Hedberg

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. (Mitch Hedberg)

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

Mitch Hedberg

My friend said to me "I think the weather's trippy." I said "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought "Man, I should have just said 'Yeah.'"

Mitch Hedberg

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said Fk it. Cut 'em up.

Mitch Hedberg

One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit, how'd you pull that off Let me see that camera. What's it look like'

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg

Occupation: American Comedian
Born: February 24, 1968
Died: March 29, 2005
Quotes count: 198
Wikipedia: Mitch Hedberg

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