Steven Wright quotes

Steven Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, and writer, renowned for his distinctive deadpan delivery and surreal humor. His one-liners and peculiar observations have made him a unique figure in the world of comedy. He continues to influence comedians and entertain audiences with his original comedic style. Here are 390 of his quotes:

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Steven Wright

You can't have everything... where would you put it?

Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Steven Wright

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Steven Wright

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Steven Wright

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Steven Wright

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Steven Wright

It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Steven Wright

I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.

Steven Wright

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

Steven Wright

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Steven Wright