Mitch Hedberg quotes - page 2

I had one anchovy, that's why I didn't have two anchovies. (Mitch Hedberg)
I'd like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real fuckin' big! View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I met a girl who works at the Double Tree front desk, she gave me her phone number. It's zero. I tried to call her from here and some other woman answered. I said "You sound older!" View quote
Mitch Hedberg
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before then it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one... and every one on the bottom row!" View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? View quote
Mitch Hedberg
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. (Mitch Hedberg)
I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I saw this dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him "Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over." View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait." View quote
Mitch Hedberg
If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-forward the parade. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too many letters, man. "Hello?" "Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!" View quote
Mitch Hedberg
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I don't know if you have a door on your side, but over here there's nothin.' View quote
Mitch Hedberg
My girl works at Hooters, in the kitchen. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was. (Mitch Hedberg)
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. You know what sweeten means, right? That's a showbiz term for "add sugar to." View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way. View quote
Mitch Hedberg