Doug Stanhope quotes

Doug Stanhope is an American stand-up comedian, writer, and actor, known for his acerbic wit and provocative material. His comedy often tackles controversial topics and challenges societal norms. He has built a loyal fanbase with his fearless approach to humor and unfiltered social commentary. Here are 51 of his quotes:

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.

Doug Stanhope

Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.

Doug Stanhope

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

Doug Stanhope

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

Doug Stanhope

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

Doug Stanhope

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

Doug Stanhope

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

Doug Stanhope

Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.

Doug Stanhope

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil."

Doug Stanhope

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

Doug Stanhope

Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.

Doug Stanhope

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Doug Stanhope

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

Doug Stanhope

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

Doug Stanhope

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.

Doug Stanhope

You know the funny thing about child pornography: [...] the lack of credits at the end. No ego on that side of Hollywood, is there? "Who did the editing on this film, it's seamless! I want to use him on my independent documentary”- but no names. Not even a nom de plume. Some people are in it just for the art.

Doug Stanhope

The word addiction is used far too liberally in our society and I shy away from it. If I have any addiction, it would be nicotine. I would say alcohol is more of a compulsive habit for me. I have used different narcotics for roughly 20 years and I have always used them socially, sporadically and usually sparingly. I use cocaine occasionally and sometimes medicinally - before a third show Saturday, a bump of coke can make the difference between a strong performance and just phoning it in - and I've never developed any type of habit, never craved it the next day. I will use hallucinogens a few times a year as well, always in a safe environment. So far as an "early grave," I'm more concerned with quality of life. No sense in having a mint condition classic car if you're afraid to take it out of the garage. I look as sadly at people awash in hand-sanitizer and surgical masks in elevators as they might see me when I'm pouring booze down my head on stage.

Doug Stanhope

Whether the reasoning for these laws is insurance costs, more opportunities for random taxation through traffic stops, curbing lost production or any other justification that could be offered, the bottom line is that it isn't governments place. You own your body. No legislation should infringe on that.

Doug Stanhope

What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority.

Doug Stanhope

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

Doug Stanhope

I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.

Doug Stanhope

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.

Doug Stanhope