Bill Engvall quotes

My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that ... discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was ... gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!" (Bill Engvall)
You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!". View quote
Bill Engvall
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties. Welcome to my world. View quote
Bill Engvall
Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called "Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper." Just how "rapidly" are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play "Beat the Clock" in the thicket. View quote
Bill Engvall
Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list. View quote
Bill Engvall
I might've tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollerin' at his buddies, "Whoo! Whoa, check me out, dudes! Whoo, that ground is coming up..."-BAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right, dude– you're up." View quote
Bill Engvall
There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing somebody for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper. View quote
Bill Engvall
I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: "You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage." Number two: "We have medication for this." And number three: "It was more than an ounce and he was less than 100 yards from the school." View quote
Bill Engvall
Marital sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges. View quote
Bill Engvall
I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations." View quote
Bill Engvall
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing. (Bill Engvall)
I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake. View quote
Bill Engvall
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge. View quote
Bill Engvall
I love Slim-Jims so much, I once called their hotline. I swear to God. I told them, "I got your next billion-dollar idea." And the lady on the other end goes, "Oh, do tell." I said, "Alright. Men love beer and Slim-Jims. So, what you need to do, is drill a hole in the middle of that Slim-Jim... so we can suck beer through it and take a bite of Slim Jim! [Audience cheers] Yeah. GENIUS!... She hung up on me. View quote
Bill Engvall
A half a Vicodin and a Bahama Mama...makes for a bitchin' day! View quote
Bill Engvall
I joke about it, fellas, but I tell ya, she runs that house. Good Lord. [Several female audience members cheer] Yeah, I know. I know. And if you're a married guy, I ain't telling you nothing you don't already know. But if you're single, and you're thinking about getting married, listen up. You ain't never gonna win the argument. Yeah. If guys were a sports team, we'd be 0-fer. View quote
Bill Engvall
[playing golf with his friends]. View quote
Bill Engvall
We could walk into a Chinese restaurant right here in Chicago. And the waiter could have been born here, raised here, went to college here, he has never left the city limits. I'm the idiot that walks in that restaurant and goes [in exaggerated Chinese] "Uh, yes. I'll have fried rice. Egg roll..." And you can see him go "I am so going to spit in your food, I swear to God." And it drives my daughter crazy. 'Cause she goes "why do you do that? That is so insulting to them!" View quote
Bill Engvall
(Talking about what he wants at his funeral) View quote
Bill Engvall
Jeff's, Larry's, and Ron's Heres Your Sign. View quote
Bill Engvall
Men have three basic needs: Eating, sleeping, sex. That's it. (Bill Engvall)
[during a bit about dogs] That's why they're man's best friend, 'cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men. View quote
Bill Engvall
[about his son Travis]. View quote
Bill Engvall
on holiday in Hawaii. View quote
Bill Engvall
Before I got married, I was on a date one night. This girl had a snake as a pet. A 12-foot boa constrictor; she named it Fluffy. Well, that's just sick in my book. But I didn't know about the snake, and it was our first date. We'd been out drinking. We drank way too much. We get back to her mobile home. Woo, wish I was making that part up. She shuts the door behind me and gives me one of these. [hisses, exhales] She wasn't real good at it, alright? "I'm gonna slip into something a little more comfortable... okay?" and I'm like, "Alright! I'll be waitin' right here! Well, maybe here. Hell, you'll see me." She comes out of the bedroom/kitchen... in a negligee and that snake wrapped around her neck. Boy, that'll sober you up! I'm backin' out the front door, going, "No, thanks, I can drive." She looks at me and she goes, "No, wait, Bill! Fluffy can wrap around us while we make love." I said, "No, he can't, 'cause I'll kill him... Okay?" View quote
Bill Engvall