Henny Youngman quotes - page 3

Henny Youngman was an American comedian and violinist, famously known as the "King of the One-Liners." His quick wit and trademark "Take my wife, please!" joke made him a beloved figure in stand-up comedy. He continues to inspire comedians with his timeless humor and punchy delivery. Here are 71 of his quotes:

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started. (Henny Youngman)
Business was so bad the other night the orchestra was playing "Tea for One." View quote
Henny Youngman
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. View quote
Henny Youngman
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. View quote
Henny Youngman
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. View quote
Henny Youngman
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. View quote
Henny Youngman
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. View quote
Henny Youngman
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. View quote
Henny Youngman
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' View quote
Henny Youngman
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. View quote
Henny Youngman
I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. (Henny Youngman)
Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!" View quote
Henny Youngman
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. View quote
Henny Youngman
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it. View quote
Henny Youngman
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!" View quote
Henny Youngman
I bet on a horse at ten to one. It didn't come in until half-past five. View quote
Henny Youngman
The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window! View quote
Henny Youngman
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!" View quote
Henny Youngman
I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away. View quote
Henny Youngman
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail. View quote
Henny Youngman
Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away. (Henny Youngman)

Henny Youngman

Occupation: American Comedian
Born: March 16, 1906
Died: February 24, 1998
Quotes count: 71
Wikipedia: Henny Youngman

Related authors

Rodney Dangerfield - thumbnail
Rodney Dangerfield  86 
American Comedian
Milton Berle - thumbnail
Milton Berle  23 
American Comedian
Don Rickles - thumbnail
Don Rickles  64 
American Comedian
Mitch Hedberg  198 
American Comedian
Sam Kinison  48 
American Comedian
Steven Wright  390 
American Comedian
Emo Philips - thumbnail
Emo Philips  69 
American Comedian
George Carlin - thumbnail
George Carlin  359 
American Comedian
George Burns  57 
American Comedian
Bill Hicks - thumbnail
Bill Hicks  146 
American Comedian