Doug Stanhope quotes - page 2

There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years. (Doug Stanhope)
Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, I'm not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way. View quote
Doug Stanhope
Well, you know these immigrants, they come to our country, they burden our tax system. What they do is they come here and get into our education system and our health care and I gotta pay the taxes. My taxes have to pay that. Well what the fuck are you doing to me every time you have a kid? Every time you have a kid because its American I should pull up a chaise lounge and wave a flag while 15 of those things come out of you? Oh, I can't wait to pay for these! They're American! I have a vasectomy and an abortion on my record, but I can't wait to pay for your fucking fat-headed mid-western kids. Love it! I'll take a second job. View quote
Doug Stanhope
You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it and you wave a flag celebrating it. View quote
Doug Stanhope
Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked. View quote
Doug Stanhope
We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard - and you want me to have hope for these fuckin' monkeys on swing-sets? View quote
Doug Stanhope
America may be the best country, but that's like being the prettiest Denny's waitress. Just because you're the best doesn't mean you're good. View quote
Doug Stanhope
Suicide is another thing that's so frowned upon in this society, but honestly, life isn't for everybody. It really isn't. It's sad when kids kill themselves 'cause they didn't really give it a chance, but life is like a movie: if you've sat through more than half of it and it sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the very end for you and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early. View quote
Doug Stanhope
[in regards to the subway breakfast sandwich not being available after 11AM] I'll go "Uh, hey man, uh gimme an egg and cheese", and the kid will say, "I'm sorry, sir, it's after 11, we put all that stuff away." You didn't put it away... it's in the second green cabinet, it's right there. This place is as big as a photo-mat, there is no "away" in the building, you don't own "away". There's no Brink's truck that pulls up at 11:02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard. View quote
Doug Stanhope
Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating. View quote
Doug Stanhope
I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally. (Doug Stanhope)
The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. View quote
Doug Stanhope
Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny. View quote
Doug Stanhope
The internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not. View quote
Doug Stanhope
All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. View quote
Doug Stanhope
I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention. View quote
Doug Stanhope
I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other. View quote
Doug Stanhope
I had a girl say this to me. She goes "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate" I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry" View quote
Doug Stanhope
The problem with this country is that old folks vote. We got shit to do, old folks don't, the only thing they have to do is judge you and vote. View quote
Doug Stanhope
If marriage didn't exist, would you invent it? Would you go "Baby, this shit we got together, it's so good we gotta get the government in on this shit. We can't just share this commitment 'tweenst us. We need judges and lawyers involved in this shit, baby. It's hot!" View quote
Doug Stanhope
Put your fucking camera away, you stupid fucking tourist of life! There's a whole generation of shitheads just filming every fucking thing they do. "I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!" (Doug Stanhope)
I love homosexuality, I promote it, you fuck and you don't leave fuckin' garbage on the earth because of it. View quote
Doug Stanhope
You wanna feel bad for someone in a down-turned economy, I'll give you someone...prostitutes. Because a prostitute doesn't have that same "worst case scenario" b-plan that we all enjoy. No matter how shitty things are going for you on the job, "Danny, if they lay off anymore people, I'm gonna be out on the streets sucking dick for a living. I got nothin' else. I'm serious." Hooker doesn't have that same safety net. Hooker's already out there, sucking dicks. View quote
Doug Stanhope
As an openly gay comedian, I feel a responsibility to talk about a lot of issues that-- What? Are you gonna test me? You don't know if I'm lying. I can be as gay as I want to be up here, fuck you. What, are you going to strap me to a chair and blow loads in my face to see if I'm fibbing when I say I love it? View quote
Doug Stanhope
Every fucking week there's some celebrity or comic or an athlete that has to apologize for a caught on tape comment, or insensitive joke, a drunk tweet. And they have a press conference, and it's always something that's way weaker than the shit I say every night-- as a segue I say worse shit, nobody ever asks me to apologize. I wouldn't, but I wanna be asked one time. I've got way better shit than they do, I demand outrage for God's sakes, what do I have to do? I could've told that joke at the Simon Wiesenthal Museum of Tolerance and people would go "Huh? What'd he say? I wasn't listening." View quote
Doug Stanhope