Dylan Moran quotes - page 5
And we all think that we're very rational and very secular, but we make gods all the time. Everybody went apeshit when Barack Obama got elected. I was delighted. Everybody was thrilled: a sane, rational, intelligent human being in an important office. Great! But his biggest problem is everybody else! Is us! ‘Cause everybody's in love with him! He stands up there - he's very convincing and commanding and makes sense - he says: "It's a difficult time, everyone needs to work together and be realistic about what we need to do..", and all that stuff - and everbody's looking at him going: "NO! You do it! You're SUPER JESUS. You're so handsome when you're serious. Do you work out?"
Dylan Moran
And I've been on the road for too long, I know I have, because I was in the supermarket the other day, and I saw this tiny, heartbreaking can of beans. And it really made me want to cry. I just thought how old or sick or small do you need to be to need those beans? And it was on a high shelf, you know, you'd be climbing the ladder for days just to get at those four beans.
Dylan Moran
"What do women want?" As though it's really mysterious. As though it's a big deal. All that women want is what anybody wants. You know, friendship and companionship and respect and a certain amount of leadership with submission and a kind of cooperation at all times and pre-emptive empathy and you know, general telepathy. It's no big deal, is it? [...] Traditionally, women have been attracted to uniforms. So it's not difficult to know what women want. Fascists - that's really what they're all after!
Dylan Moran
Women are not allowed to be seen to enjoy themselves on lots of ways. They have a test for that in Ireland now, they've scientifically perfected that. The Madonna-Whore-Quotient of a woman. You know, if when a woman puts her hand together to pray, and when she's crying the blood and she levitates and you don't get a sustained hum in A Flat, she's a fucking whore!
Dylan Moran
You know, people come in here with their fucking camera phones - everything's a camera nowadays; you pick up a piece of fruit, it takes a picture of you. Or the computers which are everywhere which is proof that we like to be watched. That what we've replaced God with, technology! We're fucking afraid to be alone, in a lift, in a taxi cab, we need cameras everywhere recording us unless we realise we're alone, we might do something scary... like whimper, I don't know!
Dylan Moran
You'd be alone in the kitchen and twilight would be dwindling, and you could hear the far off cries of the other children playing nearby. You'd be alone in the kitchen because it was your special treat time, where the jelly would come out just for you, and your mother would appear at your side just as a vision of Laura Ashley print dress, smelling of magnolias and biscuits and put the jelly in front of you, and you would pull your chair in. Then the old fashioned bar of ice cream would come down, the one that had to be cut with a breadknife before the two sides were flanked with wafers. You would lift your little spoon up excitedly and winkle out that first divet of black jelly... AND THEN THE CAGE COMES DOWN! The cage with the Japanese fighting spiders inside, your mother strikes a match off her forearm and tells you to dance in the front room for money... You, you never forget that shit, I mean it never goes away.
Dylan Moran
You can laugh at somebody because they are innocent, and because they are naive or they are about to walk into a wall, but if somebody's giving you stuff, if somebody's talking, giving you their take on things, what makes you laugh, generally speaking, is going to be somebody who is telling it in an angry way.
Dylan Moran
The weak, sensual, pleasure-loving French. You know, not going to war because they're all still in bed at two in the afternoon, with the sheets coiled about their knees, lying, there scratching themselves, smoking a Gauloise inside a Gitane, sweating Nice sancerre. Before one of them sloughs off the sheets to pad around the kitchen naked. No, not naked, naked from the waist down. To emphasise their nakedity. Picking up yesterday's croissant crumbs with their sweaty feet. Slashing yesterday's paintings.
Dylan Moran