Bill Bailey quotes

Bill Bailey is a British comedian, musician, and actor acclaimed for his witty humor and musical talent. His performances often blend stand-up, surreal observations, and clever musical parodies. He is also known for his appearances on British panel shows and for winning the TV series "Strictly Come Dancing." Here are 96 of his quotes:

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

Bill Bailey

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

Bill Bailey

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

Bill Bailey

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

Bill Bailey

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.

Bill Bailey

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all.

Bill Bailey

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

Bill Bailey

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

Bill Bailey

Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it.

Bill Bailey

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.

Bill Bailey

Nostalgia: How long's that been around?

Bill Bailey

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.

Bill Bailey

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine.

Bill Bailey

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

Bill Bailey

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

Bill Bailey

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

Bill Bailey

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

Bill Bailey

This shed does not contain me.

Bill Bailey

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

Bill Bailey

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

Bill Bailey

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

Bill Bailey

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"

Bill Bailey