Dylan Moran quotes - page 4
Or when people break up, they always use a bunch of lines on each other, you know, terrible rubbish lies, like "It's not you, it's me, it's me." It's NEVER you, it's always them! You should level with these people! Tell them! "You know that strange sound you used to hear when you were going to sleep? That was me CHEWING the bed, out of sheer boredom! OOOOHH, How I HATE you, I hate you so much it gives me energy! I have to get up early in the morning to hate you because there isn't time enough in the day. Please, GO AWAY!" Or that other BULLSHIT: "I need more space!" People never quantify exactly how much space they really need.. do they? But strangely enough, it always seems to be the exact same height, depth and breadth as you.
Dylan Moran
My ideal body, you know, would be just probably something like, ahm... One eye, you probably only need one. A kind of sucker thing instead of teeth, because they just give you grief in the end, you know. And a long, long tube with my arse way over there so I don't have to deal with it. That would be ideal.
Dylan Moran
I asked a women I was with once, simple question, I asked her 'Have you ever eaten pheasant?' See, it's direct, isn't it?! It's enclosed, it contains everything that needs to be said! And she said a wonderful thing. She said "Erm..."-she thought about it-and she said "Er, not really." What does that mean? On any level? I mean, did you suck it and throw it away? Did someone drop it in your drink? What happened? Was it a speeding car, one lick? WHAT, WHAT?!?!
Dylan Moran
I remember when singers were singers. Ugly people. Aretha Franklin needed a lot of room to eat her chicken wings. Janis Joplin used to come out in clothes woven from her own vomit. Nina Simone, amazing singer, could look at a railway track and buckle it. It didn't matter; They were beautiful people because of what they could do.
Dylan Moran
I'm waiting 'til they get all this kit in one six by three inch lump of metal and you just stick it up your arse and it does everything for you. You get music all the time, everything's in vivid colour, your taste and all your hearing is enhanced, and you never have to do anything ever again. You can stay in bed and just live in this vortex of sensation.
Dylan Moran
That's why adults are confused a lot of the time. Adults are terribly confused, messed up people. That's because they forget, really, that they don't have to pretend all the time. Really, the fact is that you're not an adult at all - you're just a tall child holding a beer, having conversations you don't understand... "The Middle East? Yeah, I know it was really bad. I wouldn't have done that. A hysterectomy? Yeah, very painful, the shoulder is a very painful area."
Dylan Moran
We need to believe something, and you're not allowed to believe in religion... Well, you can, but people will laugh at you and throw things. ‘Cause it was just sort of decided in the 20th century that religion is basically a formalized panic about death. Look at the Catholic church, the campest organization on the planet with the purple robes, gold bits on the side, jewellery so big if they let it fall it would kill people... What else can it be, but this sort of ritual of panic about death? "DEATH IS COMING! Quick, put on the gold hat!”.
Dylan Moran
What is that? What is that supposed to be? It's never really casual, you always have to turn up. It's never casual unless you're both wearing Sherlock Holmes hats or something. You're covered in crisps, one of you's eating an omelette, the other one's doing a crossword, then it's kind of casual.
Dylan Moran
I don't even see young people on the street anymore. I see youths. You know, how they're described in police radio reports.... Slumped S-shapes in their hoods, beside their harrowed dogs and a bin full of burning grannies, all texting each other because they've given up on speech... plotting something terrible like how to make cider out of blood.
Dylan Moran