Artie Lange quotes

Artie Lange is an American actor, comedian, and radio personality, best known for his work on the sketch comedy show "Mad TV" and "The Howard Stern Show." His raw humor and candid storytelling have earned him both acclaim and controversy. He continues to influence the world of comedy through his stand-up, writing, and podcasting. Here are 39 of his quotes:

All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once you're laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in the valley below. No one goes there on purpose, if you get what I'm saying, because the only way to find your personal low is to slip and roll down that mountain of yours, straight through to the bottom, no holds barred.

Artie Lange

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

Artie Lange

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

Artie Lange

Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.

Artie Lange

I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.

Artie Lange

When you did impressions on 'MADtv,' the producers gave you a Walkman that played huge sections of whatever movie was being parodied, with your character's catchphrases recorded on a loop. You'd wear this thing around during rehearsals and for a week listen to the voice you had to impersonate over and over again. It drove all of us crazy.

Artie Lange

When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either.

Artie Lange

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.

Artie Lange

Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.

Artie Lange

Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.

Artie Lange

My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.

Artie Lange

By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.

Artie Lange

I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.

Artie Lange

I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.

Artie Lange

It's good to be alive.

Artie Lange

The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.

Artie Lange

It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world.

Artie Lange

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.

Artie Lange

Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.

Artie Lange

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

Artie Lange

Woody Allen stayed so good because he never left New York. Howard Stern stayed so good because he never left New York - Mel Brooks when he just got out of New York was doing 'Blazing Saddles;' when he left New York he started doing stuff like 'Robin Hood Men In Tights' - he was in L.A. too long. He lost the edge.

Artie Lange

I never went through a period were I wanted to be a doctor, a cop or even a rock star. All I wanted to do was play short stop for the Yankees from the time I was about 5. Then I turned 15 and realized how silly that was and just gave up on it.

Artie Lange