David Letterman quotes

David Letterman is an American television host, comedian, and producer, most famous for hosting late-night talk shows for over three decades. His innovative style and sharp humor influenced generations of comedians and redefined the late-night television format. He continues to be recognized as one of the most influential figures in American television history. Here are 67 of his quotes:

If it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

David Letterman

Nothing-believe me-nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.

David Letterman

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

David Letterman

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

David Letterman

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

David Letterman

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

David Letterman

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

David Letterman

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

David Letterman

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

David Letterman

We're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervour...religious fervour and if you live to be a thousand years old will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamn sense?

David Letterman

All right, that's pretty much all I got. The only thing I have left to do, for the last time on a television program: Thank you and good night.

David Letterman

There is no off position on the genius switch.

David Letterman

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

David Letterman

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

David Letterman

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

David Letterman

There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.

David Letterman

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

David Letterman

The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.

David Letterman

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.

David Letterman

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.

David Letterman

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.

David Letterman

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

David Letterman