Eddie Izzard quotes - page 2

Eddie Izzard is a British comedian, actor, and writer, celebrated for her surreal and witty stand-up performances. Known for blending history, politics, and personal stories, Izzard often performs in multiple languages. She has also appeared in numerous films and television shows, earning a reputation as one of the most inventive voices in modern comedy. Here are 75 of her quotes:

Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin... I poked a badger with a spoon.

Eddie Izzard

Your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I FANCY YOU!

Eddie Izzard

Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!

Eddie Izzard

I'm quite good at taking in information so I voraciously inhale Wikipedia - which may have some things wrong in it, but I think is generally more information than we had before. Last tour we didn't have Wikipedia. And then Discovery Channel and History Channel. I can take it in and retain what I think are the most important facts.

Eddie Izzard

So then God created the world, and on the first day he created light and air and fish and jam and soup and potatoes and haircuts and arguments and small things and rabbits and people with noses and jam – more jam, perhaps – and soot and flies and tobogganing and showers and toasters and grandmothers and, uh ... Belgium. And the second day he created fire and water and eggnog and radiators and lights and Burma and things that go "urh" and ... and Colonel Gaddafi and Arthur Negus. On the third day he probably got lists and said, "I can't remember what I've invented now. I've just been ad-libbing so far."

Eddie Izzard

Beekeepers, yes ... they've gotta want to be – "I want to be a beekeeper! I wanna keep bees! Don't wanna let them get away; I wanna keep them! They have too much freedom ... I want bees on elastic, so when they get pollen, they come back here! My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him; I wanna walk in their footsteps." And their footsteps were like this: [running wildly from imaginary bees] "I'm covered in bees!"

Eddie Izzard

She said, "Spell 'ant' ", and I wrote out the entire alphabet. She said, "That doesn't spell 'ant' ", and I said, "It's in there somewhere! There's the A, there's the N, there's the T – the rest are silent!"

Eddie Izzard

So, I thought, it's not working. So I threw my breasts out of the window of my Lamborghini, in my mind ... no, I threw the breasts out of the window of my Ford Fiesta, in my mind. Actually, I threw them out over the handlebars of my bicycle [mouthing the words] in my mind. And they hit a small child, who ran, "Mum, mum, mum ... I've been attacked by ... jellyfish!"

Eddie Izzard

Agatha Christie? We go back years, me and Ag. She's a ... she's just a ... she's dead, isn't she?

Eddie Izzard

They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

Eddie Izzard

Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.

Eddie Izzard

[About homophobes] As long as they're homophobic behind closed doors, and don't hurt anyone, I'm fine with it.

Eddie Izzard

I like my coffee like I like my women... in a plastic cup.

Eddie Izzard

I like my women like I like my coffee... covered in beeees!

Eddie Izzard

Give us cash! I steal from the rich and give to the poor! I'm trying to be a myth; give us cash!" "No, I'm not gonna give you cash." "Go on, I steal from the rich. Are you rich?" "No, I'm ... comfortable." "That's no good, I can't steal from the fairly well off and give to the moderately impoverished! That's not gonna swing, is it?

Eddie Izzard

So I've learnt that the world is 4,500 million years old. If you're very religious, then it's not 4,500 million years old, it's 6,000 years old. One of these is not correct.

Eddie Izzard

Homo Sapiens wouldn't have made it, and everything would be different! Television would be ... you know, Book of the Month club on television would be: Neanderthal presenter: "And now we have the professor ... uh ... whaddayou think of this book?" Neanderthal professor: "Wha' ...?" Presenter: "What do you think of this book, in a critical way?"

Eddie Izzard

If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel.

Eddie Izzard

The National Rifle Association says, 'Guns don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps.

Eddie Izzard

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death.

Eddie Izzard

There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God?

Eddie Izzard

Animals in the wild are lean, and I think we should be too.

Eddie Izzard