Billy Connolly quotes

Billy Connolly is a Scottish comedian, actor, and musician, widely recognized for his distinctive observational humor. His energetic storytelling and candid wit have earned him international acclaim across comedy, film, and television. He continues to inspire audiences with his unique perspective and infectious laughter. Here are 70 of his quotes:

Don't vote, it just encourages them. (Billy Connolly)

The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.

Billy Connolly

People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.

Billy Connolly

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."

Billy Connolly

My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.

Billy Connolly

There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!

Billy Connolly

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

Billy Connolly

Politically correct is the language of cowardice.

Billy Connolly

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

Billy Connolly

Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.

Billy Connolly

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog. (Billy Connolly)

Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.

Billy Connolly

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

Billy Connolly

I leave you with a complaint. Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... well, it's because the national anthem is boring.

Billy Connolly

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Billy Connolly

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

Billy Connolly

Marriage is a wonderful invention. But then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.

Billy Connolly

I came here on Concorde today... and I arrived before I fucking left!

Billy Connolly

Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time and you'll have the time of your life.

Billy Connolly

My wife said "I want to sell the house and buy a yacht". I said "What?! You do realise I live here? Comedian, Scottish guy. There's 3 kids over there, each have their own rooms. C'mon, I'll show you, they live here too."

Billy Connolly

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on. (Billy Connolly)

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Billy Connolly

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

Billy Connolly

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

Billy Connolly

I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.

Billy Connolly

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Billy Connolly

Billy Connolly - Image

Photo: Wikimedia commons, CC BY-SA 2.0

Occupation: Scottish Actor
Born: November 24, 1942
Quotes count: 70
Wikipedia: Billy Connolly

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