Lee Evans (comedian) quotes

I was thinking to myself out there - well, you wouldn't think you're anybody else, would you? (Lee Evans (comedian))
It's like unison, "Welcome to speech therapy, all together!"..."NAOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!" View quote
Lee Evans (comedian)
We don't get telly round our way, sir"! "Yeah, we hang you buggers round our way, we do"... "No, we all came on the same coach, sir"... "Norwich, that's us, sir." There's a bloke on the fifth row going "You're gonna die now, sir, you are! View quote
Lee Evans (comedian)
Bees. They don't know they've even got a fuckin' sting. It's like buzzes, it's a twat with a shotgun! View quote
Lee Evans (comedian)
They'll drop a cage into the water, and the shark'll be. like, "What you doin' down 'ere? What you fuckin' doin' down 'ere?" And they'll get a bit of meat on a stick and go "Oy! Wanker! Bleurgh!" And they'll go "Oh, is that for me?" [pretends to shove meat in shark's mouth] "You fuckin'..." View quote
Lee Evans (comedian)
I don't come out on film. I get the red eye. Blokes like that: [imitates knocking someone out] "You fuckin' will in a minute, ya twat!" View quote
Lee Evans (comedian)
Jed Exodus, sounds like he's gonna go get changed in a phone box [heroic American accent] "WATCH OUT FOR JED EXODUS... I AM THE PISSER... I CAN FILL A LOO IN NO TIME." That's where he's probably just gone now, out to prevent a crime. "HEY YOU, GET AWAY FROM THAT WOMAN AND STOP MUGGING HER." "All right mate, all right." "THERE YOU GO, MADAM, YOU CAN GO ON YOUR WAY, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS." View quote
Lee Evans (comedian)
Someone walked up to me the other day and went "Excuse me... Can you show me where the station is, please?" I said "Yes, officer, if you just..." View quote
Lee Evans (comedian)
This bloke, I swear he's in any supermarket car park. He's great. He walks across the car park, and he's got one of those fobs, and he opens his car before he gets there. [posh voice] "Ha, ha, ha! I don't know if you saw what I just did there, but I actually opened my car door before I actually physically got there!" View quote
Lee Evans (comedian)
Luv can we off off, not off off but fuck off. View quote
Lee Evans (comedian)
The Happy Eater! They're miserable as fuck! You go in the Happy Eater, you'll see a woman behind the counter at the deep fat frier like this [sobs] "DON'T ASK FOR CHIPS! [sobs louder] I FUCKIN' HATE CHIPS!" "Chips with this, chips with that... chips with me an' all." I'll stick me head in the deep fat frier in a minute: "Chips with this, chips with that..." (Lee Evans (comedian))
My phone will ring at three in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that, we wouldn't need the bloody phone! View quote
Lee Evans (comedian)
I love restaurants. And that's the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants: "Proper home-made cooking." I don't want home-made cooking. That's why I'm here, 'cos I don't like the shit at home! Yeah... you know! And they don't say whose home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn't it! View quote
Lee Evans (comedian)
What happened to all the family butchers? People complain there's no family butchers around anymore. Well, they're fucking mad! It's the only shop in the high street where you walk in and some bloke's covered in blood, mutilating an animal! Before you walk in, they're like that: "Grrr, GAAAH, FUCKING-" [imitates chopping motions] Soon as you walk in they're, like, "Good morning, how are you? Okay, goodbye!" You ever seen them unloading the delivery van, the freezer lorry? They get out a side of cow. Where's the other side? Is there, like, a cow still grazing in a field with a fucking side missing? View quote
Lee Evans (comedian)
People tell me, "Lee, you should take up golf. It's good for you." You know what I say to that? "Fuck off." View quote
Lee Evans (comedian)
They're making us pay a fortune for electricity, ya know. They reckon we should save the planet, save electricity and all that sort of stuff. Oh, yeah, I'm loving this shit they're coming out with! You got the Chinese bellowing out shit for coal-fired power stations, the Americans are driving about in 4x4 Humvees, Las Vegas is lit up like a giant Christmas tree, but they reckon if I switch off this little standby button on my TV... View quote
Lee Evans (comedian)