Bill Bailey quotes - page 3

Arbroath; it was the scariest heckle I ever had. Arbroath, I don't know if you've ever been - very very cold throughout the year, and I was pacing up and down, primarily to keep warm really, I was freezing. And this chilling voice came from the back of the room, it just said "Stand still"... [mimes holding a rifle] Ch. 4, 08:18. (Bill Bailey)
And the thing is, I'm amazed they went with Obama at all, you know, I mean, I thought Hilary would have been a shoo-in, but no. [Shrugs] Apparently America's got an issue with gender, not with race. Huh. So, erm... View quote
Bill Bailey
It's always been my long-held belief that eventually insects will take over the world. View quote
Bill Bailey
I was like you once, Tim. Blonde hair, scraggly beard, child-like ears. Full of beans and spunk. I once punched a bloke in the face for saying Hawk the Slayer was rubbish... but that's not the point, Tim. The point is, I was defending the fantasy genre with terminal intensity when what I should have said is "Dad, you're right. But let's give Krull a try, and we'll discuss it later." View quote
Bill Bailey
It's what we've always known for many years outside of Australia...You can't have a world leader called Kevin. [On Kevin Rudd]. View quote
Bill Bailey
I texted you on a Monday, But you did not get my text 'till the Tuesday, Because of a network problem. I texted you on a Wednesday, But I did not know that you'd called Because your SIM card was not correctly installed. Oh no no no. You texted me on a Thursday To say that you would meet me at the Shopping Centre And i texted you back and said "Where should i meet you?" And you said Dixons But i did not know which Dixons you meant Was it the one inside the door Or was it the one further up by Currys These are my worries. You texted me on a Monday To tell me it was over But i did not understand Because you used Predictive Text And it was Jrrg gruuh nnmmg guu hmmg doo doo doo. View quote
Bill Bailey
[as George W. Bush] I will tame evil, I will get the evil ones, We must find the evil ones. We must get evil, we must laminate evil, we must wear it round our necks, at the backstage party in paradise! View quote
Bill Bailey
Was he a Swiss nationalist, or a nutso with a crossbow? I don't know. View quote
Bill Bailey
Anyway, beards and drugs leads me neatly to the Taliban; were they really that backward, or were they the finest minds of the fourteenth century? Nobody seems to know or care. That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the segregation and humiliation of women from the world of golf. View quote
Bill Bailey
Beautiful ladies in danger. Danger all around the world. But I will protect them, because I am Chris de Burgh! Beautiful ladies in emergency situations. Beautiful ladies are lovely but sometimes they don't take care They're too busy with their makeup and combing their lovely hairTo take basic safety precautions But I will protect them I will save the pretty onesWith their smiles and their beautiful eyesBut let the ugly ones dieI have no place for them in my new world orderI won't waste my seed on hideous trollsKill kill kill kill kill the trolls hunt them down there shall be no clemencyKill kill kill kill kill the trollsLook under the bridges that's where they hideThat's where they hideAnd beauty shall be my bride. View quote
Bill Bailey
I'm amazed by how compliant people are in this country. They go into service stations - 'cathedrals of despair', as I call them - where baseball-capped ghouls of the night lord it over their congealed bean kingdoms, their fried-bread twilights, their neon demi-mondes, tempting you to enter to become them, undead. "Ooh, beans on toast, £18.95, very reasonable. Oh no, I'm not going to complain. They probably pump them up from London in special tubes." God, £18.95? If that was the price, for my money, each bean would have to be carried over in a heron's beak and laid on an orchid and then placed on a very rare train set and carried all the way to my table on the train set and then pinged off by a tiny little rare vole and it rolls onto a beautiful silk leaf and I eat it with a Fabergé egg. Then you'd get your money's worth. Ch. 16, 26:40. (Bill Bailey)
James Blunt - a man who recently got voted more annoying than paper cuts. View quote
Bill Bailey
There's this one celebrity, Rosie O'Donnell, a talk show host, and she said this: "I don't know anything about Afghanistan, but I know it's full of terrorists, speaking as a mother.” So what is this "speaking as a mother" then? Is that a euphemism for "talking out of my arse"? "Suspending rational thought for a moment"? As a rational human being, Al-Qaeda are a loose association of psychopathic zealots who could be rounded up with a sustained police investigation. But speaking as a parent, they're all eight foot tall, they've got lasers under their moustaches, a huge eye in their foreheads and the only way to kill them is to NUKE every country that hasn't sent us a Christmas card in the the last 20 years!! "Speaking as a mother". View quote
Bill Bailey
Or I get my navel fluff out and weave it into wigs so that fleas can act out Victorian melodramas. [On relaxation]. View quote
Bill Bailey
The actual quote attributed to Russell is, "Everything is vague to a degree you do not realise till you have tried to make it precise." View quote
Bill Bailey
I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. I actively seek it out. View quote
Bill Bailey
You get somebody to explain the Trinity to you, they'll say "Well God, he's God, and Jesus is God as well, and the Holy Spirit is... [mumbles indistinctly]". "What?" "He's the fecund spirit of the Lord who impregnates Mary, then gets a bit up himself and is reduced to light clerical duties?" Let's examine that in joke form: three male divine natures go into a cosmic essence, giving and receiving love, but not in a gay bishop way, to which the whole of Islam goes "Wha?"; Hinduism: "Nah!"; or Buddhism: "Ssh!". View quote
Bill Bailey
They will take us And they'll make us Human slaves! In an Insect Nation! View quote
Bill Bailey
This is a song inspired by the work of Phil Collins; the nasty, whining little git. Ch. 36, 1:18:46. View quote
Bill Bailey
(On bizarre Conspiracy Theories) - Countries are actually closer than you think...Pilots just fly aeroplanes around longer to make you THINK they're far away - There are tiny cameras in ham...They're called 'Hameras. View quote
Bill Bailey
Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability. [seems to drift off in a daydream out of disenchantment, then comes back]. (Bill Bailey)
Milton Keynes: Satan's lay-by. View quote
Bill Bailey
I can't ever remember ever seeing any charity porn, though. "Farmyard Frolics 3: A portion of this goes to a women's literacy programme in Eritrea." View quote
Bill Bailey
[Re:Claims Direct] No win, no fee, no basis in reality. Just a room above a minicab office in Acton and a steady stream of greedy simpletons whose delusion is only matched by their clumsiness. View quote
Bill Bailey
Who photographs kebabs? View quote
Bill Bailey