Bill Bailey quotes - page 2

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams. (Bill Bailey)
I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done? View quote
Bill Bailey
There's more evil in the charts than in an Al-Qaeda suggestion box. View quote
Bill Bailey
It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life..." View quote
Bill Bailey
This is the news theme, but it sounds like pure Hollywood entertainment. It sounds like E. T. on a horse being chased by Darth Vader, which is something I'd love to see. View quote
Bill Bailey
... have a banana! View quote
Bill Bailey
Not a very well-known fact, but on planes they always carry a trombone just in case there's a disaster and they need to keep morale up. All cabin crew - fully proficient in the trombone. And of course there's a double facility: if you ditch at sea, it can be used as a snorkel. View quote
Bill Bailey
You're absolutely right, Hitler was a vegetarian. It's very unseemly to think so, but there he was. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide. View quote
Bill Bailey
I was digging with a fork out of the kitchen drawer, sewing tictacs, I didn't know what the hell I was doing. After a bit I got bored and just started burying cheap spoons to baffle the archaeologists of the future. [On gardening]. View quote
Bill Bailey
And just as he said that a feminist jumped out of a manhole - just jumped up and oh, and she didn't like that. That she didn't like that. View quote
Bill Bailey
You knew exactly who the good guys were and who were the bad guys just by the chord: the good guys got a perfect fifth - strong, compassionate - the bad guys got an augmented fourth... Just a semitone, but sometimes in life when you make the wrong choices, it's just a semitone out. (Bill Bailey)
It's like a mohican on your pancreas, man! View quote
Bill Bailey
God, I'm in the same studio as de Burgh! He may have stood right where I'm standing now... and just thought his mad thoughts. Like "I am brilliant." View quote
Bill Bailey
Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently... [Wild laughter and applause from audience]. View quote
Bill Bailey
Juxtaposition, you can't handle the juxtaposition! View quote
Bill Bailey
(Commenting on band The Killers' lyrics from the song 'All These Things I've Done') Deep down, it really is just a meaningless lyric, isn't it? [Sings] "I got soul, but I'm not a soldier". I mean, you may as well be saying "I got ham, but I'm not a hamster" View quote
Bill Bailey
At parties, sometimes, for a laugh, I introduce myself - people say 'What do you do?' and I say 'I'm Aled Jones, its all gone wrong for me. No, look, I've still got it! (drunken bawl) I'M WALKING THROUGH THE AIIIIIIR, HAAAAAAHAHAHA.' Ch. 19, 32:55. View quote
Bill Bailey
But we won't have any genetically modified food, oooh no, we won't have any GM. Which is a shame, I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro... to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it's a bit of a long shot. View quote
Bill Bailey
A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he? View quote
Bill Bailey
BB: I'm actually from the West Country... [solitary cheer from audience] BB: Hypnotized, or actually? What are you doing here? Audience member: I had to come. BB: What do you mean you had to come here? What, you were on some dark purpose? Ch. 4, 07:38. View quote
Bill Bailey
(Imitating a Belarus citizen commenting on their national flag) Stupid National Anthem....Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit" (Bill Bailey)
Where did we all go wrong? The insects used to be our brothers. Along came pesticide And on that day our friendship died And pouring boiling water down ants nests couldn't have helped. View quote
Bill Bailey
Creationists mainly are Americans who think the world was created in 1982 to coincide with the rise of Supertramp, but you can very easily dispute this by playing some of Supertramp's earlier albums. View quote
Bill Bailey
So go into your local branch of UBS, and say "I'd like to open an account please.", and when they say "What with?" take out a loud hailer and say "NAZI GOLD! Just like you did! View quote
Bill Bailey
You picked me up from school You attended all my sporting functions You bought me a car Gave me use of a credit card But how can I feel pain, How can I feel pain, How can I feel pain When you're being so supportive? View quote
Bill Bailey

Bill Bailey

Bill Bailey - Image
Photo: Nick Webb, CC BY 2.0
Occupation: British Comedian
Born: January 13, 1965
Quotes count: 96
Wikipedia: Bill Bailey

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