Dave Attell quotes - page 2

So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out. Thank you, Nyquil. (Dave Attell)
This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta---da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt? View quote
Dave Attell
You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy." View quote
Dave Attell
I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times. View quote
Dave Attell
Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes. View quote
Dave Attell
If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things. View quote
Dave Attell
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me. View quote
Dave Attell
For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended. View quote
Dave Attell
I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing. View quote
Dave Attell
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before." View quote
Dave Attell
My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs. (Dave Attell)
I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears. View quote
Dave Attell
I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes. View quote
Dave Attell
Being on the road is kind of lonely. View quote
Dave Attell
I have no grand scheme. View quote
Dave Attell
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight. View quote
Dave Attell
I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff. View quote
Dave Attell
I'm not really a music guy. View quote
Dave Attell
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. View quote
Dave Attell
I don't watch reality TV. View quote
Dave Attell
Florida looks like a gigantic penis! Doesn't it? Have you ever googled it? It looks like a gigantic peener! About to shoot a load of freedom all over Cuba. A bukkake of choices and ideas. (Dave Attell)
That was funny, yet sad. Kind of like getting tit-fucked by a clown. View quote
Dave Attell
Tattoos are cool because they don't belong on your body, but you put it there to say something about yourself. Much like my rolls of fat. That shit does not belong on a human body. And I put it there to say something about me. I don't like fruit. I don't like it! Long bike ride? I'm out. Hot dog eating contest? I'm listening. View quote
Dave Attell
Amish Sex - Oh Jebediah, give it to me you Abe Lincoln lookin motherfucker. Oh MOLASSES! View quote
Dave Attell
Ever make fun of someone so much that you feel you should thank them for all the good times you've had? I've got a midget friend, an albino friend, and another friend who thinks "Lord of the Rings" is real. Together we call ourselves "the Unfuckables." View quote
Dave Attell