Daniel Tosh quotes - page 2
The first thing Michael Phelps should have done when that photo came out was call Kobe Bryant's publicist. Cuz Kobe was accused of rape, and all he had to do was settle in court for millions of dollars, change his jersey number and win a championship and that soulless town in LA couldn't be prouder. I just hope that when parents let their kids run around in #24 jerseys, they have the decency to say: 'well come on, number 8 was the rapist. Number 24 has a great work ethic and an unblockable turnaround.
Daniel Tosh
Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker?" You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's. I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume your best work is in the A. M. Probably gets a bit abstract by noon.
Daniel Tosh
Thank you... I deserve that. I'm really good. I'm one of the best. Actually, I'm the best, currently ranked number one in the world. So buckle up. You guys are in for a treat. Oh, 19,000 people, This is awesome. Thank you. Seriously, don't look around. It's 19,000. People watching on tv, they never know. They're so stupid. That's why they watch tv.
Daniel Tosh
I once had on a Lance Armstrong bracelet and a What Would Jesus Do bracelet and I rubbed a blind kid's eyes and he could see. But he wasn't used to the light, it was bright, walked into traffic, was killed instantly. Okay, those of you that are laughing, I'm going to call you half-full, because you're remembering the most important part: The bracelets are working!
Daniel Tosh
I'm all for illegal immigration in this country except for the fact that they don't have to serve on jury duty. That's horseshit. It should be the other way around, they should serve exclusively on jury duty. Yeah, then, then, it would truly be a jury of one's own peers. [Some of the audience groans] It's not a stereotype if it's always true. Yeah, then it becomes law. That joke was called, "Latinos are criminals."
Daniel Tosh