Daniel Tosh quotes

Daniel Tosh is an American comedian and television host, best known for his show "Tosh.0" on Comedy Central. His often edgy and provocative humor has gained him a large following and sparked controversy. He continues to be a prominent figure in stand-up comedy and television entertainment. Here are 42 of his quotes:

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Daniel Tosh

We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk?

Daniel Tosh

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

Daniel Tosh

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance - fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.

Daniel Tosh

You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

Daniel Tosh

I can say that. I have a television show.

Daniel Tosh

You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I've always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.

Daniel Tosh

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

Daniel Tosh

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Daniel Tosh

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

Daniel Tosh

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

Daniel Tosh

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

Daniel Tosh

I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.

Daniel Tosh

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

Daniel Tosh

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

Daniel Tosh

Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

Daniel Tosh

I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.

Daniel Tosh

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant."

Daniel Tosh

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

Daniel Tosh

It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing... the line you are not to cross.

Daniel Tosh

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

Daniel Tosh

It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they've been good to me.

Daniel Tosh