Christopher Titus quotes

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader. (Christopher Titus)
So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported that 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional. My God! That means we're the majority. We're normal! It's the people who have the mommy, the daddy, the brother, the sister, the little white picket fence - those people are the freaks, man! View quote
Christopher Titus
And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group. View quote
Christopher Titus
The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe house he was going to escape to in the carbomb. And I love that he locked the carbomb. Nobody's getting my Ipod. Then he left the keys to carbomb hanging out of the tailgate of the carbomb, and built the carbomb out of fertilizer that wouldn't explode. I have been doing comedy for 25 years and I have never been that funny. View quote
Christopher Titus
I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them. View quote
Christopher Titus
Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester. View quote
Christopher Titus
Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!" View quote
Christopher Titus
Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men. View quote
Christopher Titus
How come Mom is crazy and I'm not? Well, it's possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people and talk about all the crap in her life and those people could have sat around and laughed with her, it would've meant nothing and she could have moved on cool. It's also possible she could have taken out the whole front row with a large-caliber weapon. View quote
Christopher Titus
At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis. View quote
Christopher Titus
Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?! (Christopher Titus)
I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work. View quote
Christopher Titus
I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voices in her head than the Wu-Tang Clan. Loves her kids, killed her last husband. I say "last husband" because you don't get another one after that. View quote
Christopher Titus
My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Shannon, an amazing poet, who was raised by this woman, and was dating a guy who broke up with her for the fourth time in three weeks. And one day, she came to his house, got a gun, and blew her brains out all over his headboard. I just went through a divorce, five years in court and cost me $2 million dollars. If anyone, by law, should be forced to take antidepressants it's me...But instead, I choose to be an antidepressant. And you can take me with alcohol. View quote
Christopher Titus
I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico! View quote
Christopher Titus
I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive. View quote
Christopher Titus
I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a slithering demon spawned from the fiery depths of Satan's anus. But for legal reasons, I have to call her, "Kate." View quote
Christopher Titus
I lost 28 pounds in my divorce...because that's what a soul weighs. View quote
Christopher Titus
Thomas Jefferson said, "The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Yeah, and I heard that and thought, "I'm out!" View quote
Christopher Titus
This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels...by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a bedazzled Ed Hardy thermal. I have three of them, I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you. View quote
Christopher Titus
There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or...You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you "Joe" and that's it! (Christopher Titus)
... And if you are a man wearing capri pants...? [Laughter] You need to take your guy card out of your wallet and pass it forward. Then... yeah, then, on the way home I want you to buy a tube of Vagasil, a VW convertible, and have your boyfriend drive you the rest of the way home, 'cause you are dismissed. View quote
Christopher Titus
Mad cow disease, monkey pox, bird flu, mosquito viruses - did the animal kingdom have a meeting? "Who here is tired of being food and clothing? ... Cows, get on it... MOO!" View quote
Christopher Titus
I finally stopped drinking when I hit seventeen years old. Yes, imagine the fuckup I must have been. Stopped drinking because it isn't really good for your health....and I fell into a bonfire! Yeah, you're done drinking then. You don't need AA. Falling into a bonfire is a one-step program. View quote
Christopher Titus
And I want you to know something man, we all feel really bad that when you were in Troop 182 the Scout master rubbed your butt at the overnight jamboree. But what are you like 30 now? You've got life on backwards, come here let me flip it, there see, now your past is behind you. What's say you climb down off the cross use the wood to build a bridge and get over it. View quote
Christopher Titus