David Spade quotes

David Spade is an American actor, comedian, and writer known for his sharp wit and sarcastic humor. His career gained prominence on "Saturday Night Live" and through roles in films like "Tommy Boy" and "Joe Dirt." He continues to entertain audiences with his stand-up performances and television appearances. Here are 42 of his quotes:

There's always something funny about men chasing women.

David Spade

You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.

David Spade

In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.

David Spade

My career is just kind of crazy.

David Spade

Cindy (Chris Farley): That reminds me, I have a joke: I heard Michael Jackson went shopping at K-Mart because there was a sale! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Christy (Spade): You messed it up, dumbbell! He went shopping at K-Mart because he heard little boys' pants were half off.

David Spade

Steward (Spade): [sarcastically ushering passangers off of the plane] Buh-bye. Buh-bye. Buh-Bye [to a fat passanger]Buh-bye. You're very heavy. Fat Passanger (Chris Farley): What did you say? Steward: I said buh-bye! I just said buh-bye 40 times in a row why would I say anything else? It doesn't make sense! Did I just say something without knowing it? No! Go! Buh-bye! Passenger (Adam Sandler): I'm gonna be waiting for you outside in the terminal. Steward: Great, buh-bye. Passenger: No, no, no, there's more. I'm gonna pound your face in. Steward: Okay, Slick. Buh-bye! Passenger: I'm gonna destroy you! Steward: Buh-BYE! Passenger: I am gonna KICK THE CRAP OUTTA YOU! Steward: YEAH?! BUH-BYE!

David Spade

The "new" Fleetwood Mac were singing "Don't Stop". I've got a message for the new Fleetwood Mac: DO Stop! Touring; recording; saying you're legends. Michael Bolton, big star, popular musician, guess what? You're bald and we all know it. I don't care how long you grow your hair in the back but we all know what's happening on top. I know you sold nine million albums but guess what? I don't know anyone who's got one. Steve Martin. What about Leap of Faith? I was going to see it but I was sick that day. I finally sat through The Bodyguard and: [imitates the song] Iiiiiiiii-eee-iiiiiii-want my money back!

David Spade

It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.

David Spade

I never dated much in high school or college.

David Spade

Now that I have the opportunities to do a lot, I want to do less.

David Spade

It's hard to have a career.

David Spade

It's so crazy in Hollywood.

David Spade

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.

David Spade

Single guys get a bad rap.

David Spade

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.

David Spade

I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world.

David Spade

Boom, baby!

David Spade

I only know three songs by REM and guess what? I don't like two of them! That's right, I'm not cool- I don't like REM. Don't hang out with me, I'm a nerd. I saw REM, they're the best. The lead singer is so serious and heavy, he comes out, all, 'This next song is about the overcommercialization of rock and roll and how corporations have come and' -- hey, just sing the goddamn songs, alright buddy? I'm already depressed, I want you to make me shiny and happy! The thing about Showtime is, it's basically softcore porn. I'm into it. I forget I have Showtime, until like, Saturday mornings when I get home from work, and it's: cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, 'Warning: This program contains massive nudity.

David Spade

I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.

David Spade

Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city's. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.

David Spade

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?

David Spade

I just don't like to go out and deal with the real world. It's scary.

David Spade