Emo Philips quotes - page 3

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. (Emo Philips)
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. View quote
Emo Philips
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. View quote
Emo Philips
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' View quote
Emo Philips
England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. View quote
Emo Philips
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. View quote
Emo Philips
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. View quote
Emo Philips
When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" View quote
Emo Philips
When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun. View quote
Emo Philips
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them. View quote
Emo Philips
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often. (Emo Philips)
I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center. View quote
Emo Philips
The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow. View quote
Emo Philips
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny. View quote
Emo Philips
It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat. View quote
Emo Philips
I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be. View quote
Emo Philips
I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult. View quote
Emo Philips
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. View quote
Emo Philips
I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky... But there was no gum under any of them. And I hear giggling behind me. At first I don't mind, but the giggling continues... Finally, I thought "What's so amusing?" I turn around, and these two guys, for the last, oh, half hour or so, have been throwing darts into my head. It's a good thing I heard them! I said, "Look, you bums," 'cause I was angry now, "As soon as this game is over, hit the road!" But as I left that bar, one thing stuck in my mind... View quote
Emo Philips