Craig Ferguson quotes - page 4

People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid. (Craig Ferguson)
I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you. View quote
Craig Ferguson
If you don't vote, you're a moron. View quote
Craig Ferguson
It's okay, I'm European [referring to a preceding sexually ambiguous comment]. View quote
Craig Ferguson
Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you. View quote
Craig Ferguson
America is, for me, an aspiration, a philosophy, a way of being, a dream. View quote
Craig Ferguson
Like many of her sex, Sophie was fiercely competitive with other women, working on the crackpot theory that if she could be better in some way, men would like her more, respect her. Make her happy. She never cottoned on that the men she was attracted to, the men who found her attractive, didn't like women. View quote
Craig Ferguson
Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. View quote
Craig Ferguson
[bends over] *errgh* Sorry for making that noise, but ... that's what happens when you get older. One day what happens is that you bend over, and you never come back. View quote
Craig Ferguson
High school is tough on anyone, an absolute rule of the Universe being that if high school is not a buttockclenchingly awkward, emotionally difficult, and unpleasant time of your life, then the rest of it will be a crushing disappointment. Academic success is desirable, popularity (the only thing that most students really desire) is not. Those who excel socially in high school are truly damned. The homecoming queen does indeed bear the mark of the beast. View quote
Craig Ferguson
[referring to himself] Where's the Scottish Conan guy? (Craig Ferguson)
Failure is not a disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one... My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't. View quote
Craig Ferguson
[to camera] Excuse me for just a second. [walks off-camera, to studio audience] Shut up! View quote
Craig Ferguson
I can't live by your rules, man! View quote
Craig Ferguson
There are bound to be some lies here, but I've been telling them so long they've become truth, my truth, as close as I can get to what really happened. View quote
Craig Ferguson
Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea. View quote
Craig Ferguson
They could have gotten help for this infertility but they believed that interfering with the reproductive process, even if it was faulty, was anti-God. It was against His plan. It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots. View quote
Craig Ferguson
You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you. View quote
Craig Ferguson
Fraser's mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo-intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place. View quote
Craig Ferguson
As a vulgar lounge entertainer, my business relies on ridiculous stereotypes! If these people start using deodorant, I might as well just go home! View quote
Craig Ferguson
By the way, there's a place on Hollywood Boulevard where you can get a _____ for twenty bucks. (Craig Ferguson)
Welcome back to the big show where (at this point, he references something from earlier in the show) View quote
Craig Ferguson
Always laugh second. View quote
Craig Ferguson
I'm a terrible interviewer. I'm not a journalist - although I have a Peabody Award - and I'm not really a late-night host. What I am is honest. View quote
Craig Ferguson
It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television. View quote
Craig Ferguson