Steven Wright quotes - page 13

I got food poisoning today. But I don't know when I'm going to use it. (Steven Wright)
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, 'ten-four.' View quote
Steven Wright
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 mile per hour, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour. View quote
Steven Wright
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. View quote
Steven Wright
A fool and his money are soon partying. View quote
Steven Wright
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. View quote
Steven Wright
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old. View quote
Steven Wright
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. View quote
Steven Wright
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. View quote
Steven Wright
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. View quote
Steven Wright
Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' (Steven Wright)
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back. View quote
Steven Wright
Even snakes are afraid of snakes. View quote
Steven Wright
I saw a close friend of mine the other day.... He said, 'Stephen, why haven't you called me' I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it.' He said, 'How long have you had it' I said, 'I don't know ... my calendar has no sevens on it.' View quote
Steven Wright
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney. View quote
Steven Wright
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre. View quote
Steven Wright
I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. View quote
Steven Wright
I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. View quote
Steven Wright
In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. View quote
Steven Wright
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. View quote
Steven Wright
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. (Steven Wright)
I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't. View quote
Steven Wright
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it. View quote
Steven Wright
I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4. View quote
Steven Wright
I was born by Caesarian section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. View quote
Steven Wright