Jay Leno quotes

Jay Leno is an American comedian, actor, and television host, best known for hosting "The Tonight Show." Over the years, he became one of the most recognizable faces in late-night television. He continues to perform stand-up comedy and is known for his love of classic cars. Here are 69 of his quotes:

French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.

Jay Leno

Folks, tomorrow America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for: "Former president George Bush."

Jay Leno

106 [degrees] in the valley... I was sweating like Dan Rather checking for forged documents.

Jay Leno

So China's president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh- meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?".

Jay Leno

Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances.

Jay Leno

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

Jay Leno

The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.

Jay Leno

A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. [...] At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.

Jay Leno

Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they're good at it.

Jay Leno

I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.

Jay Leno

I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.'

Jay Leno

Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.

Jay Leno

In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.

Jay Leno

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Jay Leno

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Jay Leno

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

Jay Leno

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

Jay Leno

Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation...

Jay Leno

Hillary says she has been tested. Well, I hope so. You never know what Bill might bring home.

Jay Leno

How many of you watched the vice presidential debate expecting Sarah Palin to screw up? Be honest. [cheers and applause] : And how many of you watched the debate expecting Joe Biden to screw up? [more cheers and applause] : And how many of you watched the baseball game knowing the Cubs would screw up?

Jay Leno

No, they said they do not believe in evolution, then they said the biggest threat to America: religious radicals living in the Dark Ages.

Jay Leno

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'

Jay Leno