Alan King quotes

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. (Alan King)

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

Alan King

The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.

Alan King

My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'

Alan King

My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.

Alan King

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!

Alan King

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

Alan King

You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.

Alan King

When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.

Alan King

Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

Alan King

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet. (Alan King)

We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.

Alan King

I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.

Alan King

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

Alan King

I was a high school throw-out.

Alan King

I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.

Alan King

If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.

Alan King

Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it's hard to turn away. Then, of course, you're hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.

Alan King

Modesty is not one of my virtues.

Alan King

I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.

Alan King

I had a sympathetic role in 'thirtysomething,' and in two weeks I'm going to do the role again. But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It's much more fun. Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me. (Alan King)

My mother's sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.

Alan King

I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.

Alan King

When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.

Alan King

That's the great thing about New Year's, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasn't such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time. When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That's what the trees are all about.

Alan King

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Alan King

Alan King - Image

Occupation: American Comedian
Born: December 26, 1927
Died: May 9, 2004
Quotes count: 45

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