Zach Galifianakis quotes

Zach Galifianakis is an American actor and comedian, widely recognized for his quirky humor and unique comedic style. Audiences around the world know him best from his role in "The Hangover" film series and his talk show "Between Two Ferns." He continues to entertain with his offbeat performances in television and film. Here are 71 of his quotes:

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

Zach Galifianakis

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and then you realize you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

Zach Galifianakis

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are so very mean.

Zach Galifianakis

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

Zach Galifianakis

When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese.

Zach Galifianakis

I call my balls the bush twins.

Zach Galifianakis

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

Zach Galifianakis

I'm going to do all new, fresh material...you guys been keeping up with this O. J. thing?

Zach Galifianakis

I want to combine the NAACP with Mothers Against Drunk Driving. It's called Mothers Against the Advancement of Colored People.

Zach Galifianakis

I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.

Zach Galifianakis

When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies.

Zach Galifianakis

Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.

Zach Galifianakis

Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money.

Zach Galifianakis

You shaved your head for V For Vendetta. Did you also shave your V for Vagina? (to Natalie Portman).

Zach Galifianakis

Seriously!, this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker.... 36.63.

Zach Galifianakis

Hello, my name is Zach Galifianakis, and I hope I'm pronouncing that right.

Zach Galifianakis

When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. And I would write about it in my dairy.

Zach Galifianakis

I was named after my grandad. Yes, my name is Zach Grandad Galifianakis.

Zach Galifianakis

I once played charades with a couple that was deaf..... they were amazing. I mean, none of this sounds like business.

Zach Galifianakis

You know, sometimes if you work - if you do a lot of takes and you work long hours, for me, at least, there is a delirium that starts kicking in on the fifteenth hour, and that can help. Below the just thirteenth hour is where I have a concern, because everybody's so tired.

Zach Galifianakis

If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love the Insane Clown Posse. Love 'em. They're exactly... well, they're not EXACTLY alike, but they're a little bit alike...

Zach Galifianakis

This is my impression of a Southern woman. "Tsk, I am so mad at the Taliban right now!"

Zach Galifianakis