Jon Stewart quotes - page 4

[mobster impression] Hey! Nice nominee you got there. [sniff, tightens tie] Be a shame if something happened to him, Mr. President. Know what I mean? (Jon Stewart)
Little and hairy. But if [The New York Post] want to go with smart and stylish then hey, more power to them. Good luck. View quote
Jon Stewart
The American people. For their just utter patience. View quote
Jon Stewart
I have not found this generation to be cynical or apathetic or selfish. They are as strong and as decent as any people that I have met. And I will say this, on my way down here I stopped at Bethesda Naval, and when you talk to the young kids that are there that have just been back from Iraq and Afghanistan, you don't have the worry about the future that you hear from so many that are not a part of this generation but judging it from above. View quote
Jon Stewart
And the other thing... that I will say is, when I spoke earlier about the world being broke, I was somewhat being facetious, because every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant. View quote
Jon Stewart
They said I wasn't being funny. And I said to them, "I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow." View quote
Jon Stewart
Are you insane?! View quote
Jon Stewart
Howard Kurtz: CNN has is broadcasting your show internationally. Jon Stewart: I am not. Kurtz: Does that make you legitimate? Stewart: No, I am illegitimate. I am the bastard son of anything. We're not- we're fake. View quote
Jon Stewart
Tonight is the night we celebrate excellence in film, with me, the fourth male lead from Death to Smoochy. View quote
Jon Stewart
May 3, 325: Rome built. View quote
Jon Stewart
You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things. (Jon Stewart)
Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work? View quote
Jon Stewart
You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis. View quote
Jon Stewart
If you look on their lawn, there are... it looks like a tent city of reporters. I don't know what insight they think they're going to glean from these people's grief, but if there's ever a situation where someone who's just lost their daughter has anything to say other than "this sucks," I'd be happy to see a news crew on their lawn, but until then, why are these people there? View quote
Jon Stewart
It's a brilliant metaphor. What I meant to say was, when you see a monkey masturbating at the zoo... View quote
Jon Stewart
Did you really just ask me if I want it to be bad? I have kids! What do you think? "Yeah, I don't want them to have any kind of a -- I want things to corrode to the point where we're all living in huts." [...] [I] "like things to go a little wrong" like birdshot to the face of a guy that would survive, not "like things to go wrong" till it's like Mad Max, every-man-for-himself-let's-all-ride-around-and-machine-guns, which seems to be the way that it's [going]. View quote
Jon Stewart
1300 BC: God gives Ten Commandments to Israelites, making them His Chosen People and granting them eternal protection under Divine Law. Nothing bad ever happens to Jews again. View quote
Jon Stewart
Good evening everybody, ladies, gentlemen... Felicity. View quote
Jon Stewart
I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies. View quote
Jon Stewart
It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs. View quote
Jon Stewart
After we defeat it, I'm sure we'll take on that bastard ennui. (Jon Stewart)
It's not honest. What you do is not honest. What you do is partisan hackery. View quote
Jon Stewart
I've seen otters-they look better covered in oil. View quote
Jon Stewart
When you go to the zoo and you see a monkey throwing poop, you go, "that's what monkeys do, what are you gonna do?" But what I wish the media would do more frequently is say "bad monkey." View quote
Jon Stewart
People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They're not living their lives via platforms. They're living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct. View quote
Jon Stewart