Jon Stewart quotes - page 2

Most Americans don't live their lives solely as Democrats or Republicans or conservatives or liberals. Most Americans live their lives that are just a little bit late for something they have to do. Often it's something they do not want to do, but they do it. Impossible things get done every day that are only made possible by the little, reasonable compromises. (Jon Stewart)
Here's how bizarre the war is that we're in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn't want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass. View quote
Jon Stewart
I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food. View quote
Jon Stewart
As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal - in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being. View quote
Jon Stewart
Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. View quote
Jon Stewart
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena. View quote
Jon Stewart
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him. View quote
Jon Stewart
We've come from the same history - 2000 years of persecution - we've just expressed our sufferings differently. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complained, we just never thought of putting it to music. View quote
Jon Stewart
What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do? View quote
Jon Stewart
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11. View quote
Jon Stewart
It's like hunting cows. (Jon Stewart)
30 AD: Death penalty debate heats up after controversial execution of alleged "Son of God". View quote
Jon Stewart
If you want to know why I'm here and what I want from you I can only assure you this: you have already given it to me. Your presence was what I wanted. Sanity will always be and has always been in the eye of the beholder. To see you here today and the kind of people that you are has restored mine. Thank you. View quote
Jon Stewart
Kurtz: So you don't, you're not confusing yourself with a quote, "real journalist"? Stewart: No. You guys are- Kurtz: You're just making fun- Stewart: You guys are confusing yourselves with real journalists. View quote
Jon Stewart
You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you? View quote
Jon Stewart
Through most of colonial history, inhabitants of the 13 colonies were loyal subjects of the British crown - resourceful, dedicated and as the Third Duchess of Kent... was fond of saying, "Some tea-drinkin' motherfuckahs." In fact, whenever the subject of the New World was mentioned, the Duchess could always be counted on for a wistful head-shake and a hearty "Motherfuckahs love that motherfuckin' tea." View quote
Jon Stewart
The best part is that I'm able to come in, and whenever I want, choose an intern... oh, wait - Is this being recorded? No, the coolest part is the ability to have a silly thought about whatever is going on in your world at 10 o'clock in the morning, and be able to see it go out on the airwaves at 11 o'clock that night. That's an amazing privilege. View quote
Jon Stewart
But on what basis should the three branches of government be divided? It came down to two dueling ideas: Madison's proposal of an executive, judicial and legislative branch, and Georgia's Joseph Morton's proposal to dole out power according to, "The presence, forbearance, rectictude and largeosity of one's 'Plums and Carrot'." After much deliberation, it was decided Madison's proposal would be accepted, Morton only relenting after the Constitutional Convention agreed to proclaim him "impressive." View quote
Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart: And I made a special effort to come on the show today, because I have privately, amongst my friends and also in occasional newspapers and television shows, mentioned this show as being bad. Paul Begala: We have noticed. Stewart: And I wanted to - I felt that that wasn't fair and I should come here and tell you that I don't - it's not so much that it's bad, as it's hurting America. Tucker Carlson: But in its defense - Stewart: But I wanted to come here today and say - Here's just what I wanted to tell you guys: Carlson: Yes. Stewart: Stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop hurting America. View quote
Jon Stewart
Hitler: (biting into a bagel) First of all, Larry, I don't know what I was so afraid of. These are delicious!!! View quote
Jon Stewart
I'm not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance. (Jon Stewart)
When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways? View quote
Jon Stewart
To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don't like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me! View quote
Jon Stewart
Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher? View quote
Jon Stewart
Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center. View quote
Jon Stewart