Tom Lehrer quotes

Tom Lehrer is an American singer-songwriter, satirist, and mathematician known for his witty and humorous songs. His clever lyrics often poke fun at politics, society, and science. He remains influential for his unique blend of comedy, music, and intellectual satire. Here are 84 of his quotes:

Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

Tom Lehrer

I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them. ... And that's not funny.

Tom Lehrer

Irreverence is easy, but what is hard is wit.

Tom Lehrer

But don't panic. Base eight is just like base ten really - if you're missing two fingers.

Tom Lehrer

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.

Tom Lehrer

People are stupider than anybody.

Tom Lehrer

Oh, the Protestants hate the Catholics And the Catholics hate the Protestants, And the Hindus hate the Moslems, And everybody hates the Jews.

Tom Lehrer

I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up.

Tom Lehrer

The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn't ban landmines.

Tom Lehrer

Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, Unless you get a good percentage of her price.

Tom Lehrer

I recall this sergeant's informing me and my "room-mates" of this rather deplorable fact the army didn't have any official, excuse me, didn't have no official song and suggested that we work on this in our copious free time.

Tom Lehrer

"Life is like a sewer - what you get out of it depends on what you put into it." It's always seemed to me that this is precisely the sort of dynamic, positive thinking that we so desperately need today in these trying times of crisis and universal brouhaha.

Tom Lehrer

Oh, the poor folks hate the rich folks, And the rich folks hate the poor folks. All of my folks hate all of your folks, It's American as apple pie.

Tom Lehrer

Step up and shake the hand Of someone you can't stand, You can tolerate him if you try!

Tom Lehrer

Get in line in that processional, Step into that small confessional. There the guy who's got religion'll Tell you if your sin's original. If it is, try playin' it safer, Drink the wine and chew the wafer, Two, four, six, eight, Time to transubstantiate!

Tom Lehrer

Andrew Wiles gently smiles, Does his thing, and voila! Q. E. D., we agree, And we all shout hurrah! As he confirms what Fermat Jotted down in that margin, Which could've used some enlargin.

Tom Lehrer

I'd like to take you now, on wings of song as it were, and try and help you forget for a while your drab, wretched lives.

Tom Lehrer

So get down upon your knees, Fiddle with your rosaries, Bow your head with great respect, And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!

Tom Lehrer

I feel that if any songs are gonna come out of World War III, we'd better start writing them now.

Tom Lehrer

The loveliest girl in Vienna Was Alma, the smartest as well. Once you picked her up on your antenna, You'd never be free of her spell.

Tom Lehrer

Don't say that he's hypocritical, Say rather that he's apolitical. "Once the rockets are up, who cares where they come down? That's not my department," says Wernher von Braun.

Tom Lehrer

I am never forget the day I first meet the great Lobachevsky. In one word he told me secret of success in mathematics: Plagiarize! Plagiarize, Let no one else's work evade your eyes, Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, So don't shade your eyes, But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize... Only be sure always to call it please "research."

Tom Lehrer