Tom Lehrer quotes - page 2

In all probability I'll lose my virility And you your fertility And desirability, And this liability Of total sterility Will lead to hostility And a sense of futility, So let's act with agility While we still have facility, For we'll soon reach senility And lose the ability. (Tom Lehrer)
You know, of all the songs I have ever sung, that is the one I've had the most requests not to. View quote
Tom Lehrer
I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity. View quote
Tom Lehrer
Be prepared, and be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you. View quote
Tom Lehrer
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! View quote
Tom Lehrer
On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. View quote
Tom Lehrer
I do have a cause, though. It is obscenity. I'm for it. View quote
Tom Lehrer
The usual jokes about the Army aside, one of the many fine things one has to admit is the way that the Army has carried the American democratic ideal to its logical conclusion, in the sense that not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on the grounds of ability. View quote
Tom Lehrer
Oh, the white folks hate the black folks, And the black folks hate the white folks; To hate all but the right folks Is an old established rule. View quote
Tom Lehrer
A few years ago, a motion picture version appeared of Sophocles' immortal tragedy "Oedipus Rex". This picture played only in the so-called art theaters, and it was not a financial success. And I maintain that the reason it was not a financial success... you're way ahead of me... was that it did not have a title tune which the people could hum, and which would make them actually eager to attend this particular... flick. So, I've attempted to supply this, and here then is the prospective title song from "Oedipus Rex". View quote
Tom Lehrer
I really don't consider myself a performer by temperament. (Tom Lehrer)
So be sweet and kind to mother Now and then, have a chat! Buy her candy or some flowers or a brand-new hat But maybe you best let it go at that! Or you may find yourself with a quite complex ...Com-plex! ...and... You may end up like Oedipus I'd rather marry a duck-billed platypus! Than end up like poor Oedipus Rex! View quote
Tom Lehrer
All the world seems in tune On a spring afternoon, When we're poisoning pigeons in the park. Every Sunday you'll see My sweetheart and me, As we poison the pigeons in the park. View quote
Tom Lehrer
His rivals used to say quite a bit That as a monarch he was most unfit. But still in all they had to admit That he loved his mother. View quote
Tom Lehrer
There once lived a man named Oedipus Rex, You may have heard about his odd complex. His name appears in Freud's index 'Cause he loved his mother. View quote
Tom Lehrer
I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another and I know there are people in the world that do not love their fellow human beings and I hate people like that. View quote
Tom Lehrer
I think the people who say we need satire often mean, "We need satire of them, not of us." View quote
Tom Lehrer
When they see us coming, the birdies all try an' hide, But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide. My pulse will be quickenin', With each drop of strych-a-nine, We feed to a pigeon it just takes a smidgen To poison a pigeon in the park. View quote
Tom Lehrer
What is it that put America in the forefront of the nuclear nations? And what is it that will make it possible to spend twenty billion dollars of your money to put some clown on the moon? Well, it was good old American know how, that's what, as provided by good old Americans like Dr. Wernher von Braun! View quote
Tom Lehrer
I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips. I take a healthy bite From your dainty fingertips. My joy would be complete, dear, If you were only here, But still I keep your hand As a precious souvenir. View quote
Tom Lehrer
It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year. (Tom Lehrer)
If you're looking for adventure of a new and different kind, And you come across a Girl Scout who is similarly inclined, Don't be nervous, don't be flustered, don't be scared. Be prepared! View quote
Tom Lehrer
Oh, soon we'll be out amid the cold world's strife. Soon we'll be sliding down the razor blade of life. Oooh. View quote
Tom Lehrer
Yes, he loved his mother like no other, His daughter was his sister and his son was his brother. One thing on which you can depend is, He sure knew who a boy's best friend is. View quote
Tom Lehrer
I ache for the touch of your lips, dear, But much more for the touch of your whips, dear. You can raise welts Like nobody else, As we dance to the Masochism Tango. View quote
Tom Lehrer