Dave Barry quotes

Dave Barry is an American humor columnist and author, known for his witty commentary on everyday life. His columns and books have entertained millions with their irreverent and insightful humor. He continues to be a beloved figure in American comedy writing. Here are 260 of his quotes:

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. (Dave Barry)

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Dave Barry

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Dave Barry

The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Dave Barry

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Dave Barry

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Dave Barry

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

Dave Barry

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

Dave Barry

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Dave Barry

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.

Dave Barry

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes. (Dave Barry)

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Dave Barry

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Dave Barry

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Dave Barry

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

Dave Barry

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

Dave Barry

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

Dave Barry

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Dave Barry

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

Dave Barry

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

Dave Barry

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. (Dave Barry)

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

Dave Barry

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

Dave Barry

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

Dave Barry

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

Dave Barry

Previous
1 (Current)
2
3
4
...
11
Next

Dave Barry

Occupation: American Journalist
Born: July 3, 1947
Quotes count: 260
Wikipedia: Dave Barry

Related authors

Ridley Pearson 17

Author

Carl Hiaasen 61

American Writer

Amy Tan 171

American Novelist

Mitch Albom 280

American Writer

Alan Zweibel 5

American Producer

Stephen King 810

American Author

Art Buchwald 20

American Humorist

Russell Baker 102

American Writer

William F. Buckley 68

American Journalist

Elmore Leonard 39

American Novelist