Dick Quotes - page 4
English is a language of mass destruction. Lady Macbeth is a queen of mass destruction. Lear is a king of mass destruction. Hamlet is a prince of mass destruction. Shakespeare is a bard of mass destruction. And Moby Dick is a whale of mass destruction. Why are you a culture of death and destruction? Why do you obliterate villages, cities, and civilizations with your language of mass destruction? Is the destruction worth the destruction? For what purpose did you destroy my language? To impose the sovereignty of your rule of law with weapons of mass destruction-to then say: --I offer you my lifesaver. Now, we can communicate in the same language. English only, please.
Giannina Braschi
You know how I know I'm getting old? This is embarassing, but... I was in my hotel room. I was... I'm not gonna lie, I was jerking off. And I was, like, really sweating it out. And this is when I knew I was old: I just gave up in the middle, like nothing even happened. Like, I don't like looking at my dick anymore. My dick looks distinguished. It's old, an old-looking dick. It's got salt-and-pepper hair all around it. My dick looks like Morgan Freeman in the 90s. Without the dots. My dick narrates, "Dave pulled me out and started jerking me around, jerking me around. But not with the same vigor as when he was young. He and I both knew nothing was coming out."
Dave Chappelle
Phew. Well, it's the last show. Here we are. Los Angeles. The world capital of... rape and dick breath. The fuck has been going on out here? Keeps getting worse. Just when you think it can't get worse, they got Charlie Rose today. It's going to be a quiet morning on the news tomorrow. Charlie Rose? Who's next, Captain Kangaroo? Everybody is raping like hotcakes. I, for one, am starting to get worried. You know, I've been in show business 30 years. I had no idea how much danger I was in. It's really some scary shit.
Dave Chappelle
We don't say to women, "what do you mean you had a three way with two girls and a guy and you ate her pussy a little bit. You must be a lesbian." But we say to guys, "you mean you [touched a dick]. You must be a fag."... Straight male sexuality is all about this paranoia about am I feminine or am I gay. So the man who allows himself to do something perceived as womanly or faggoty is not a man anymore.
Dan Savage
Completely egocentric, unable to relate, empathize or identify and consisting of a vast, pervasive, diffuse sexuality, the male is psychically passive. He hates his passivity, so he projects it onto women, defines the male as active, then sets out to prove that he is ("prove he's a Man"). His main means of attempting to prove it is screwing (Big Man with a Big Dick tearing off a Big Piece). Since he's attempting to prove an error, he must "prove" it again and again. Screwing, then, is a desperate, compulsive attempt to prove he's not passive, not a woman; but he is passive and does want to be a woman.
Valerie Solanas
So I tried and failed. When I failed, I left a comprehensive anti-terror strategy and the best guy in the country, Dick Clarke, who got demoted. So you did Fox's bidding on this show. You did your nice little conservative hit job on me. ... And you've got that little smirk on your face and you think you're so clever. But I had responsibility for trying to protect this country. I tried and I failed to get bin Laden. I regret it. But I did try. And I did everything I thought I responsibly could.
Bill Clinton
John Baldwin was Examined before the Reconstruction Committee - He was asked if Jeff Davis could be tried before a Jury in the South & convicted of Treason. He replied - Yes - that Mr. Davis (& himself) had been guilty of treason & if they were tried for it he saw no reason why they shouldn't be convicted. Tell Hugh (for me) that the difference between me & him is that I committed Treason & am proud of it - he committed Treason & is ashamed of it. Baldwin's testimony was in 1867. Dick Smith in [struck: the] an Editorial [inserted: in the Enquirer] was very severe on him [struck: on him]: Baldwin replied in a letter. If Sam Yost has files of his paper no doubt you can find it.
John S. Mosby
You needn't be a historian or a political scientist to see the Bigger Dick Foreign Policy Theory at work. It goes like this: 'What? They have bigger dicks? Bomb them!' And of course, the bombs, the rockets, and the bullets are all shaped like penises. Phallic weapons. There's an unconscious need to project the national penis into the affairs of others.
George Carlin
Pussy really is the main motivating factor in all of humankind. It really is. It's what gets shit built. [reacting to applause from the audience]: I'm not 'yeah' for pussy. This is a flaw in the system, don't clap for it! [I'm] saying, they know that is a catalyst, and that's why religion and government have to control supply and demand of pussy. And they do that by heaping shame upon you should you want to give away more than the 'federally allocated recommended daily allowance of pussy'. "Oh, she wants to suck more than one dick?! Whore! Shun your natural instinct, whore, or nothing'll get built." - It comes down to production, it really does. They have to keep that pussy like a dangling carrot, something that's hard to get so he keeps running on the treadmill, building more shit, sending out more boxes to the dollar store, pointless shit that no one needs. - That's why cocaine is illegal: it makes pussy too easy to get.
Doug Stanhope
Sanctity of life. You believe in it? Personally, I think it's a bunch of shit. Well, I mean, life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realise that God is one of the leading causes of death. Has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians all taking turns killing each other 'cuz God told them it was a good idea. Millions of dead motherfuckers all because they gave the wrong answer to the God question. «You believe in God?» «No.» Pfoom. Dead. «You believe in God?» «Yes.» «You believe in my God?» «No.» Pfoom. Dead. «My God has a bigger dick than your God!» Thousands of years. Thousands of years, and all the best wars, too. The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me. Hey, any time a bunch of holy people want to kill each other I'm a happy guy.
George Carlin