Dave Chappelle quotes - page 3

Dave Chappelle is an American comedian, actor, and writer, widely recognized for his sharp wit and satirical humor. His groundbreaking show "Chappelle's Show" became a cultural phenomenon and addressed complex social issues through comedy. He is celebrated for his fearless stand-up performances and thought-provoking commentary on race and society. Here are 72 of his quotes:

I think extreme sports are really good for relieving stress.

Dave Chappelle

I just always loved stand-up. It's like magic. You say something, and a whole room full of people laughs together. Say something else, they laugh again. The fact that people come to see that and participate in that... I don't know, it's just like magic.

Dave Chappelle

I want to tell my jokes. I want to have time with my children. I want to entertain people. And at one point, I'll walk away from show business. But I don't want to walk away empty-handed.

Dave Chappelle

I got real important relationships in my life that are very empowering relationships.

Dave Chappelle

Whether it means having a show, or a movie, or just being on a stage, I need an avenue to say what I have to say.

Dave Chappelle

I'm cool with failing so long as I know that there are people around me that love me unconditionally.

Dave Chappelle

If I can make a teacher's salary doing comedy, I think that's better than being a teacher.

Dave Chappelle

I get a little heated when I talk about the past. But I wanted to be clear - I'm not mad at anybody - not anymore.

Dave Chappelle

There's a lot of people who don't want anything from me but to laugh and have a good time. You see them at the show and they like - they dress up to come see your show and stuff. And they pack these auditoriums and it's a lot of fun, man. It's like, this is how I started, and it's still fun for me.

Dave Chappelle

I've done 10 or 11 pilots for network television, which is ridiculous.

Dave Chappelle

Is it me, or do commercials have nothing to do with the products anymore? You dig? I don't even know what a fucking commercial is about until the end. Every one is a surprise nowadays. You seen that commercial where the lady got the black eye? This lady comes on TV with a black eye, she's crying, she's like, "I smoke crack. And my husband beats me." And then a voice came on and said, "Got milk?"

Dave Chappelle

White people do not like to talk about their political affiliations. It's a secret. You ever ask a white guy who's he voting for, like, "Hey, Bob, uh, Bob, who you gonna vote for?" "Dave! Dave! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Take it easy now. Take it easy. So anyway, um, I was fucking my wife in her ass, right? And I mean, it was something else." "Yeah, yeah, but who are you voting for?" "Dave! Dave, come on with the voting! I'm trying to tell you about fucking my wife, and you're asking me all these personal questions."

Dave Chappelle

I had a crackhead break my car window one time, broke it. You know what he stole? A fucking candy bar I had lying on the seat. That's all he took. A goddamn candy bar. I was so mad, I drove around the neighborhood for five hours, looking for a crackhead with chocolate on his face. I did that. I finally found him, I grabbed that motherfucker and said, "Hey man! What's all this chocolate on your face, motherfucker?" He looked confused. "Chocolate? This is doo-doo, baby!"

Dave Chappelle

Stop worshipping celebrities so much. Just don't listen, don't pay attention. I remember, right around September 11th, Ja Rule was on MTV. That's what they said, they said "We got Ja Rule on the phone. Let's see what Ja's thoughts are on this tragedy." Who gives a fuck what Ja Rule thinks at a time like this, nigga, this is ridiculous. I don't want to dance, I'm scared to death. I want some answers that Ja Rule might not have right now. You think when bad shit happens to me, I'll be in the crib like, "Oh my god, this is terrible. Could somebody please find Ja Rule, get ahold of this motherfucker, so I can make sense of all this? Where is Ja?"

Dave Chappelle

Name-calling does not break the modern black man. That's not gonna do the trick. I don't give a fuck about that. Like, if I went to Kentucky Fried Chicken, and for some reason, everyone behind the counter had a Ku Klux Klan hood on top of their head, what do you think I'm gonna do in this day and age? Run out of Kentucky Fried Chicken? Not if I'm hungry. I'll go straight to the front. "Hey, man. Let me get a two-piece." I don't give a fuck what he says. "You want a biscuit with that, nigger?" "I thought it came with a biscuit. What's all this attitude? I want a two-piece. Chop, chop. You know what it is." But I'm not gonna be mad. Why would I be mad? He's the one that's gotta work at Kentucky Fried Chicken, not me.

Dave Chappelle

My wife is Asian. She's Filipino. Alright, well, okay, so that explains it. Now you know why you see me at all those Filipino events. I'm not there picking up pussy, I'm dropping some off.

Dave Chappelle

You know how I know I'm getting old? This is embarassing, but... I was in my hotel room. I was... I'm not gonna lie, I was jerking off. And I was, like, really sweating it out. And this is when I knew I was old: I just gave up in the middle, like nothing even happened. Like, I don't like looking at my dick anymore. My dick looks distinguished. It's old, an old-looking dick. It's got salt-and-pepper hair all around it. My dick looks like Morgan Freeman in the 90s. Without the dots. My dick narrates, "Dave pulled me out and started jerking me around, jerking me around. But not with the same vigor as when he was young. He and I both knew nothing was coming out."

Dave Chappelle

Phew. Well, it's the last show. Here we are. Los Angeles. The world capital of... rape and dick breath. The fuck has been going on out here? Keeps getting worse. Just when you think it can't get worse, they got Charlie Rose today. It's going to be a quiet morning on the news tomorrow. Charlie Rose? Who's next, Captain Kangaroo? Everybody is raping like hotcakes. I, for one, am starting to get worried. You know, I've been in show business 30 years. I had no idea how much danger I was in. It's really some scary shit.

Dave Chappelle

There's more shootings than I can literally count. You can't even go to the goddamn zoo without seeing a shooting nowadays. They shot a gorilla at my local zoo. And the Cincinnati police said, "Shooting that gorilla was the toughest decision this department ever had to make." I said, "Well, you're about to see a lot of niggas in gorilla costumes in Cincinnati."

Dave Chappelle