Chelsea Handler quotes - page 2

We women have to stick together. (Chelsea Handler)
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate. View quote
Chelsea Handler
This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny. View quote
Chelsea Handler
Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own. View quote
Chelsea Handler
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off. View quote
Chelsea Handler
My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking. View quote
Chelsea Handler
Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate. View quote
Chelsea Handler
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather. View quote
Chelsea Handler
I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends. View quote
Chelsea Handler
One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern. View quote
Chelsea Handler
... some of the best sex I can barely remember. (Chelsea Handler)
I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense. View quote
Chelsea Handler
People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50. View quote
Chelsea Handler
I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared. View quote
Chelsea Handler
The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue gun. I couldn't believe how much there was, and wondered how he had never heard of scissors, or--more appropriate for that kind of growth--hedge trimmers. I didn't understand what porn he was watching to not be aware of the trimming that was happening all across the world among his compatriots. I'm not a finicky person when it comes to pubic hair maintenance and I certainly don't expect men to shave it all off, leaving themselves to look like a hairless cat. That's even creepier then than seeing what Austin had, which could really only be compared to one thing: A clown in a leg lock. View quote
Chelsea Handler
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself. View quote
Chelsea Handler
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer. View quote
Chelsea Handler
I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption? View quote
Chelsea Handler
The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting. View quote
Chelsea Handler
I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows. View quote
Chelsea Handler
It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes. (Chelsea Handler)
Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person. View quote
Chelsea Handler
I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense. View quote
Chelsea Handler
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. View quote
Chelsea Handler
I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role. View quote
Chelsea Handler