Dave Barry quotes - page 6

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. (Dave Barry)
In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. View quote
Dave Barry
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. View quote
Dave Barry
We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. View quote
Dave Barry
The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. View quote
Dave Barry
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. View quote
Dave Barry
And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. View quote
Dave Barry
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. View quote
Dave Barry
Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. View quote
Dave Barry
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. View quote
Dave Barry
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. (Dave Barry)
Reading... a vacation for the mind.... View quote
Dave Barry
normal person's weekly chore list: 1. clean kitchen. 2. clean bathroom. 3. clean entire rest of domicile. cleaning impaired person's weekly chore list: 1. don't get peanut butter on sheets. View quote
Dave Barry
Sir,” James asked, "what are we going to do?” "We're going to look for water,” said Alf. "And food?” said Tubby Ted. "Water first,” said Alf. "We can go days without food.” "We can what?” Tubby Ted shouted. View quote
Dave Barry
Seriously? You won't help me?” "Help yourself get killed? No, I won't. View quote
Dave Barry
You might have mentioned this to me Molly,” said Leonard. "The fact that there are hostile natives on the island.” "I forgot,” said Molly. "You forgot?” said Leonard. "There's been a lot happening,” said Molly. View quote
Dave Barry
We need our highest judicial body to stop this childish bickering and get back to debating the kinds of weighty constitutional issues that have absorbed the court in recent years, such as whether a city can legally force an exotic dancer to cover her entire nipple, or just the part that pokes out. View quote
Dave Barry
In sports, Vijay Singh wins the Masters golf tournament and is awarded the coveted green jacket, which is quickly snatched away by angry Buick executives and given to Tiger Woods. View quote
Dave Barry
Stalin's strategy at the end of World War II was to acquire a small "buffer zone between Russia and Germany, consisting of Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland, Czechoslovakia, Hungary, Romania, Bulgaria, Yugoslavia, Albania, and most of Germany. In an effort to garner public support in these nations, Stalin mounted a public-relations campaign around the upbeat theme "Maybe We Won't Have Your Whole Family Shot," and in 1945 Eastern Europe decided to join the Communist bloc by a vote of 28,932,084,164,504,029-0. Heartened by this mandate, Stalin immediately ordered construction work to begin on the Iron Curtain, which was given its name by Sir Winston Churchill, who, in a historic anecdote at a dinner party, said, "Madam, I may be drunk, but an iron curtain has descended upon BLEAAARRRGGGHHH." View quote
Dave Barry
The transportation bill had over $5 billion worth of special local projects and favors attached to it, lamprey-like, by various congresspersons. But this is good, because these projects will CREATE JOBS. See, when the GOVERNMENT spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of TAXPAYERS, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs. View quote
Dave Barry
What Dad means by "see" of course, is "drive past at 67 miles per hour." Dad feels it is a foolish waste of valuable vacation time to get out of the car and actually go look at an attraction. (Dave Barry)
Thus was born the civil rights movement, an epic struggle that has required much sacrifice and pain, but which has enabled the United States to progress, in just three decades, from being a nation where blacks were forced to ride in the back of the bus, to being a nation where, due to federal cutbacks, there is no bus. View quote
Dave Barry
Tiger Woods is kidnapped by rival golfers, sedated, handcuffed, placed in a straitjacket, wrapped in chains, and locked inside a trunk, which is then weighted with concrete blocks and dropped into the deepest part of the Pacific Ocean. He easily wins the PGA Championship. View quote
Dave Barry
We travel because, no matter how comfortable we are at home, there's a part of us that wants - that needs - to see new vistas, take new tours, obtain new traveler's checks, buy new souvenirs, order new entrees, introduce new bacteria into our intestinal tracts, learn new words for "transfusion," and have all the other travel adventures that make us want to french-kiss our doormats when we finally get home. View quote
Dave Barry
The Constitution of the United States of America, Article V, Section 1: "There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia." View quote
Dave Barry