Dave Barry quotes - page 10

Software is usually accompanied by documentation in the form of big fat scary manuals that nobody ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the manuals shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen King's The Stand with ne. (Dave Barry)
And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product a really sharp-looking report. View quote
Dave Barry
I will spare you a gushy description of the dive itself, except to say that when you finally see what goes on underwater, you realize that you've been missing the whole point of the ocean. Staying on the surface all the time is like going to the circus and staring at the outside of the tent. View quote
Dave Barry
Dogs need to sniff the ground it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard. View quote
Dave Barry
Talking about golf is always boring. (Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball only the part where you drive the cart.) View quote
Dave Barry
Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism. View quote
Dave Barry
What Women Want To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want Tickets for the world series. View quote
Dave Barry
And computers are getting smarter all the time scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (By they I mean computers I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.) View quote
Dave Barry
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies. View quote
Dave Barry
In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused this change One big factor, of course, is that people are a lot stupider than they used to be, although we here in the newspaper industry would never say so in print. View quote
Dave Barry
Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tentative agreements... (Dave Barry)
American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the mens room and the womens room without having little pictures on the doors. View quote
Dave Barry
It is a good idea to shop around before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy After all, you're paying for it. View quote
Dave Barry
One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don't even exist yet. View quote
Dave Barry
This is true virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat content. View quote
Dave Barry
The Internet browser... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is currently busy and you should try again later. View quote
Dave Barry
The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - to spew out paper. View quote
Dave Barry
I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere I sometimes wonder why they bother to have wheels on their motorcycles. View quote
Dave Barry
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of MM's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. View quote
Dave Barry
If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would nuclear war, global warming and Windows. View quote
Dave Barry
Of course it's possible that there really ISN'T any shadow government. The whole thing could be a phony story that was fed to The Washington Post to mislead our enemies. As you recall, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld recently admitted that the Pentagon had set up an office-officially named "The Office of Disinformation"-that was supposed to put out false statements to the media, thus throwing our enemies off the track. For example, if we were getting ready to attack Iraq, officials of the Office of Disinformation would hold a press conference and state: "Well, we're certainly not going to attack Iraq!" The news media would report this, and Iraq would relax. France, meanwhile, would surrender. (Dave Barry)
In 1980 the Democrats were pretty much stuck with Jimmy Carter and Walter Mondale, who ran under the slogan "Four More Years?" The Republicans, meanwhile, had a spirited primary campaign season, which came down to a duel between Reagan and George Herbert Walker Norris Wainright Armoire Vestibule Pomegranate Bush IV, who had achieved a distinguished record of public service despite having a voice that sounded like he had just inhaled an entire blimp-load of helium. View quote
Dave Barry
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who would stop to help you change your flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club. Also, the Republicans have a high Beady-Eyed Self-Righteous Scary Borderline Loon Quotient, as evidenced by Phyllis Schlafly, Pat Robertson, the entire state of Utah, etc. View quote
Dave Barry
First of all, let's dispense with this absurd stereotype that the French are rude. The French are not rude. They just happen to hate you. View quote
Dave Barry
The way I attempted to learn Japanese was by reading a book called Japanese at a Glance in the plane from San Francisco to Tokyo. This is not the method recommended by experts. The methiod recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. View quote
Dave Barry