Stephen Colbert quotes - page 3

Stephen Colbert is an American comedian, writer, producer, and television host, best known for his satirical talk shows. His sharp wit and unique political humor have earned him critical acclaim and a loyal following. He continues to influence the world of comedy and late-night television. Here are 181 of his quotes:

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it. (Stephen Colbert)

I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow.

Stephen Colbert

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

Stephen Colbert

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

Stephen Colbert

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

Stephen Colbert

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

Stephen Colbert

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

Stephen Colbert

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

Stephen Colbert

(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.

Stephen Colbert

Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?" - Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, "The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005.

Stephen Colbert

You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day? (Stephen Colbert)

Baby carrots are making me gay.

Stephen Colbert

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

Stephen Colbert

I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.

Stephen Colbert

I'm the frosting on America's cake, and tonight I'm willing to let you lick the bowl.

Stephen Colbert

If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.

Stephen Colbert

The more you know, the sadder you get.

Stephen Colbert

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

Stephen Colbert

The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear.

Stephen Colbert

The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.

Stephen Colbert

it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time. (Stephen Colbert)

It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

Stephen Colbert

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

Stephen Colbert

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

Stephen Colbert

I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert

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Occupation: American Comedian
Born: May 13, 1964
Quotes count: 181
Wikipedia: Stephen Colbert

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