Lewis Black quotes - page 8
You don't want to go to Miami. Everybody's always delighted with it--no! Listen! The temperature down there is always over ninety and the humidity--and here's the problem--is way over 100%, way. And you know how it's over 100% humidity? When you're walking down the street for five minutes thinking to yourself, "You know, I should have put deodorant on my balls." That's over a hundred. Because that's not something you'd think of on your own.
Lewis Black
The best time to go to Las Vegas is during Christmastime, because there's no drug you can take that will recreate the experience of watching people gamble while they play Christmas carols. I'm Jewish, and I'm astonished. People going, "GODDAMMIT!" "JESUS CHRIST!" "HOLY FUCK!" "...pa-rum-pum-pum-pum, me and my drum."
Lewis Black
The people who told us about sun block were the same people who told us, when I was a kid, that eggs were good. So I ate a lot of eggs. Ten years later they said they were bad. I went, "Well, I just ate the eggs!" So I stopped eating eggs, and ten years later they said they were good again! Well, then I ate twice as many, and then they said they were bad. Well, now I'm really fucked! Then they said they're good, they're bad, they're good, the whites are good, th-the yellows - make up your mind! It's breakfast I've gotta eat!
Lewis Black
My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes. No matter what your weight is, there will always be someone who weighs 150 pounds more than you will ever weigh. It's guaranteed; it's on the back of the menu, read it sometime. They don't give you a cup of coffee, they give you a hot aisle of coffee! It's coffee for 15 people. Even if you're alone, they bring you a big jug of coffee, which makes me feel good 'cause I think maybe somebody's coming and I don't know who. So I put in the sugar and the milk and I drink the whole thing and then I go, "BRING ME SOME GODDAMN PANCAKES!" Son of a bitch, that's too much coffee. What's the matter with you people?
Lewis Black
Britney Spears comes on and she's singing about Pepsi, except you don't know what she's saying, because she can't fucking sing, so what you have is this: titty titty titty titty titty titty titty, ass ass ass, titty titty titty titty, ass, ass, BIG ASS, titty titty titty titty titty titty ass ass titty ass.
Lewis Black
I was amazed to realize that we're the only country that tells the rest of the world, on a nearly constant basis, that we are the greatest country on Earth. And that... is a little fuckin' obnoxious. And I know it's obnoxious, because if you were in an office and there was someone there who came in every day and said "I'M THE GREATEST FUCKER HERE! AND YOU SNIFFLING SHITS WOULD DIE WITHOUT ME! AHAHAHA!", I can guarantee by the end of the week... you'd have killed him, and eaten him, just to try to possess his power!
Lewis Black
"Acidophilus milk"?! What the fuck are you talking about?! "Acidophilus milk"?! Milk doesn't need a friend! That shit belongs in the yogurt section! "Lactose-intolerant milk"?! Kiss my DICK! If you're lactose-intolerant, you can't drink milk. So what's in the fucking carton? Get it outta there, get it away from my milk! It is talking to my milk and making it feel bad about itself!
Lewis Black
[on WMDs in Iraq] If they couldn't find the weapons, which were the reason we went to war, then why didn't they make something up? Why did they stop lying?! My government has always lied to me; I'm comfortable with that! Son of a bitch! What's so tough?! They could have done it simply! Just send two kids to Kinko's - "I need a picture of a camel WITH A NUCLEAR WEAPON ON ITS BACK!"
Lewis Black
And I will tell you, because I was six feet from the TV set, that no one-no one-saw a tit. There was no titty to be seen. I know that's a fact, because I'm a guy that, if there's a titty, I'm the first one to look. And if you actually thought that you saw a titty, then... you were desperate to see one. Much like someone crossing a desert might see the mirage of water.
Lewis Black
But what about the children, Lewis? I can hear some of you asking. What about the children? It's more disturbing for the child to hear adults talking about seeing a tit as being disturbing and disgusting and indecent and shocking than it is for a child to see one. You know? There is no child who, when a breast is exposed to them accidentally, has suffered a moral epileptic seizure.
Lewis Black
[On Yom Kippur] The rabbi intones that today is the day that God will put your name in the Book of Life... or the Book of DEATH. I'm five, and I'm going, "Uhhh, what the fuck is that? The book of WHAT?!?" Death? Death was not anything that had ever occurred to me. My greatest fear was that my parents were going to leave me in a grocery store.
Lewis Black
![I will tell you something I know. Frozen embryos? Guess what?! THEY'RE NOT ALIVE! AT ALL! They're frozen! They're frozen! They're frozen! They're frozen! They're frozen! They are frozen! They're frozen! It's not a question! It's not up for fucking discussion! Don't allow that fucking idiot in the White House to say, "Whoa, no, they're...." THEY'RE NOT ALIVE, ASSHOLE! You can defrost one, like a mini-pizza - IT'S STILL NOT ALIVE! It has the potential for life, that's what it has! But otherwise, it's a mini-pizza! If frozen embryos are alive, we should assign National Guard troops to go to every grocery store and stand in front of the frozen foods, screaming, "Back off! Back off! The clam strips could come back to life!" [pause] Ooooh. I, uhhh, I saw a blue sky in my head for a minute. (Lewis Black)](https://cdn.quotesdtb.com/img/quotes_images_webp/71/lewis-black-assign-blue-971871.webp)
[on the creation myth] This is a wonderful story that was told to the people in the desert, in order to distract them from the fact that they did not have air conditioning. I would love to have the faith to believe that it took place in seven days, but... I have thoughts. And that can really fuck up the faith thing. Just ask any Catholic priest.
Lewis Black
I believe that the way in which we should truly live is we should think about what we're going to do, and then not do it. Your boss comes in on Monday and goes, "Hey! You're my go-to guy - I need a report by Friday." You go, "I'll get right on it, chief!" And then you head back to your desk and you put your feet up and you spend the week thinking about it. And then he comes in on Friday and goes, "Where's my report?" And you say, with a big grin on your face, "I didn't do it!" And he goes, "Why not?" and then you say, "Because I didn't want to disappoint you!"
Lewis Black
This is how fucked up I was: I brought a landline so I could keep my fucking phone! I broke with AT&T when they announced that you could buy, for your home, a transmitter for 200 dollars. A 200-dollar transmitter, so that you can help AT&T build the infrastructure you thought you were getting when you brought the piece of shit! I don't think-- We don't know, do we, what a cellphone does to us? Imagine what a transmitter will do! I believe that your shit'll be glowing in a week! "Honey, have we been eating phosphorous?!" Here's the kicker: AT&T is then gonna charge you twelve dollars a month to use the transmitter you already brought from them, so that AT&T successfully turns your cellphone BACK INTO A FUCKING LANDLINE, ASSHOLE!
Lewis Black